So much for good intentions.

That didn’t last long.

It’s New Year’s Eve, right? And rather than make a resolution, I’d sworn to be more forgiving toward my awful neighbors. Those warm and fuzzy feelings lasted at least a couple hours.

I suppose it could be a whole lot worse, they could be murderers. They aren’t, though I do worry, on occasion… Sumthin’ in the way they trap and drown the raccoons and all. The way they’ve cut down every living thing in their yard because of their hatred of birdsong, their fear of bees and butterflies, sumthin’ about their detestation of every domestic animal considered a friend to man. The way they get all pissy every time one of our leaves blows into their yard.

Oh. God. No. Not a leaf! You’d think some homeless guy just sidewalk-pooped on their pile of dirt or something.

So we pulled up to our house after a great hike and there’s our neighbor, standing in our driveway, holding a big red can of RAID, spraying down our driveway and our garage doors.

I’m all like, “What the hell is he doing? Get out of the car, honey. Get out of the car.”

Honey looks at me.


Honey gets out of the car. “Uh, what’s going on here?”

Our neighbor didn’t bother to apologize, but he did offer a lame-ass explanation – as he hurried to remove his Christmas lights before the great Satanic-Inspired New Year’s Eve hits, something tiny fluttered by his face. And then a few more tiny somethings fluttered by his face. You know, tiny living somethings.

Lo and behold, those tiny living creatures came from the direction of our house, specifically, says he, from a crack in our driveway. It would seem that some little baby ants had hatched out and were flying on their little baby wings.

Now we can’t allow that, can we? God no. Gotta spray ‘em back to hell where they belong.

Let me ask you something, wouldn’t it occur to you to talk to your neighbor before you go spraying pesticide on his or her property? Wouldn’t it? And if your neighbor isn’t home then what say you wait until he gets home to discuss your concerns about the flying ants?

Takes some balls, I tell you. No pesticide touched my property until today.

That’s it. All them good intentions flew right out that car window on gossamer baby ant wings.

There will be no truce, no surrender. My neighbors are back on my eternal shit list.

I’m a big one for taking responsibility, but in this case it’s not my fault. There are reasons the neighbors got listed in the first place and apparently those reasons will still apply in 2012.

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24 Responses to So much for good intentions.

  1. amber skyze says:

    I give you credit. I would’ve been screaming I’ll rip your f#$%^& arms off it you spray another drop of that crap on my property. :)

    Happy New Year!

  2. Penelope says:

    That takes some chutzpah. You should put a nest of ants in his yard and if he asks you what you’re doing, answer “Just returning the favor, bubs.”

    Take deep, calming breaths! In with the good (pesticide-free) air, out with the bad air.

    Happy 2012!

  3. Katalina Leon says:

    Does your neighbor know that in all the violent history of pesticide and war on ants, or any species of insect for that matter-not one has been eradicated? In fact all species of ants exposed to pesticides have increased in number, range, resistance etc…
    He’s actually helping them. Ants immediately adapt and grow strong stronger… He would be better off releasing a toad near that ant fissure in your driveway than spraying Raid.
    Use the man as inspiration for a Sci-fi or a post-apocalyptic kingdom of the ants WIP. He’s the anti-Gaia! lol
    XXOO Kat

  4. Sandra Cox says:

    OMG the neighbor from hell. And I thought our’s was challenging.

  5. I would have called the cops to get his ass off my property for trespassing then I would have probably cussed him out like there is no tomorrow..

    That the hell is wrong with this dude?

  6. Liza says:

    I would have called the cops on his ass too. It would have been a big legal nightmare, but maybe worth it in the end.

  7. shawn says:

    I’ll never complain about my neighbors again. I can’t believe the nerve of some people!

  8. HI Shawn! Oh, bad neighbors are so frustrating! Everyone else is nice in our court.

  9. Liza – we’ve never called the cops on them, but two other neighbors have. It’s gotten ugly.

  10. Hey Savannah – they know I detest them. I really did plan to be more warm and fuzzy in 2012. Not.

  11. Sandra, why is it so hard to be a responsible neighbor? It ain’t brain surgery!

  12. No, Kat. This neighbor and his wife don’t care about anything because they are preparing for Armageddon any day now. The rest of us are going to hell. Nothing matters to them. When that preacher was preaching about the Rapture, they were totally into him and I kept praying for it so they would be lifted to heaven. I would have been so grateful!

  13. Penny, several weeks ago they decided to hose of their mud – right onto my basketball court. I returned the favor and hosed it right back. I so hate them.

  14. Oh Amber, you are so cute! Such a little fighter!

  15. Evie Balos says:

    First off, happy new year, Julia :-) Second, luv your blog pic–gave me a good little laugh. Thirdly, I’ll send a wish to the heavens that your nutty neighbors move and leave you in peace.

  16. Yeah, Evie. Pray that they get their own private rapture, which is what I think they think will happen anyway! :) Happy New Year!

  17. Tom Stronach says:

    I would probably have shoved that can so far up his arse until it hit his tonsils that when he hobbled home to his wife and opened his mouth to tell her she would have got a face full of raid , but that’s just me.

    Happy New Year

  18. Stephanie says:

    I am with Savannah. You could call the cops, they trespassed and vandalized your property, and the spraying could be considered a felonious assault with intent to do harm. You could apply for a restraining order. You could also file a civil suit for potential physical damages and emotional trauma.

    Or you could just tell them that you’ll do that if they ever touch your property again.

  19. Steph, my husband says, well, his intentions were good. My ass! His intentions were to spray poison on my property. The guy would bloody shoot me if I set foot on his yard uninvited.

  20. Oh Tom, I love you. I thought you Brits were more polite than Yanks. Oh, wait, you’re wonderfully Scottish!

  21. The British may be more dignified and reserved in formal situations however they DID invent Benny Hill.

  22. True, Steph. And Monty Python. :)

  23. I gotta look these up, Tom. :)