You know how you come home from a two hour hike and your hands are kind of dirty from cleaning mud from the dog so you head into your bathroom to wash up? And you flip on the faucet when you hear a loud rumbling behind you coming from the toilet? And you turn around thinking, uh, hmm, wonder what…? And then the floor begins to shake while the ceramic lid on the back of the toilet bounces up and down. The water in the toilet bowl bubbles and turns a dark brown and the thought just pops into your head – Holy shit! She’s gonna blow! And it’s gonna be a gusher!
So you run screaming from the bathroom, except the only people at home to hear you are the cats because the dog’s been called into work (yeah, Jake has a part time job as a play-socializer) and you hear the two toilets upstairs rumbling and your next thought is…
Is a naked Terminator gonna appear on my floor? And me, fresh out of German shepherds.
Is my head going to spin around while I vomit pea soup and speak in one of those scary devil voices?
Is a new volcano being born beneath my bathroom?
What the hell do you do?
Well, you run down the street to the four guys on the corner cutting a big hole in the asphalt with jackhammers and you yell at them to stop whatever it is they’re doing because they’ve obviously hit one of those prehistoric worms from Tremors and it made a beeline for your house.
I think I would have preferred a worm. “Broke into the wrong goddamned bathroom, didn’t you, you bastard!”
Just call me Reba… Yup, it was a lot like this. I had to use the elephant gun.
Better the elephant gun than city employees back-flushing a clogged water pipe, right into my house. Damn. Blew the seals on all three toilets. Bob the Plumber made an emergency visit. I had to flush my water line for three hours, until the water ran clear. According to the city, the brown water was nothing more than the sediment clogging the line, safe to drink but I might not want to wash my clothes in it. You don’t say… I’m waiting for National Geographic to show up, either that or the CDC, maybe FEMA.
***And the winner of Pride and Prejudice, drawn from a hat by my cat Ichi-ban, Stephanie!