The Intro… My appointment is for 8:45 a.m., the cast clinic is 40 minutes away, and puppy camp does’t open until 8:00 a.m. I had hit the wall. If I didn’t get the cast off, well, let’s just say hubby’s power saw and I had come to an arrangement…
Verse… Jake and I arrive at puppy camp at 8:04 a.m. I try to hand him over and hobble out the door but the camp counselor wants to discuss Jake’s upsetting experience with his first professional grooming the day before. He piddled.
Chorus… Later! Later! Later!
Verse… The race out of town, hoping all the lights are in my favor while watching for police cars and passing slow RVs. Thanking the gods above that my grandfather was a stunt car/motorcycle driver who taught my father to drive who taught me.
Chorus… Push it! Push it! Push it!
Verse… Hit the highway and wish the speed limit was 70 mph so I could go 90. Hoping nobody will catch me going 85. Hey buddy, if you wanna go 75, move your ass over! Whoa, swerve around that slow car. Run that yellow light. Watch out for that merging semi! Avoid being Hathawayed at all costs. Thank god there is only one cop in this little podunk town I have to pass through and he’s always hanging out around the Starbucks. And there he is!
Chorus… Psych! Psych! Psych!
Verse… Make it to the clinic with 5 minutes to spare only to find every single parking space in every single lot taken and a 20 minute wait for a space in the parking garage. Hyperventilation beginning. What if I’m late and he refuses to take the cast off?
Chorus… Shit! Shit! Shit!
Verse… Search for a space in the nearby neighborhood, which is very dangerous, full of drug dealers– I should know, I have patients there. Find a parking place half a mile from the Clinic. It is now precisely 8:45 a.m. Would have been cast removal time!
Verse… Half-mile. Half-mile. Oh yes, half-mile. Hobble as fast as I can because if I’m more than 15 minutes late they may give my appointment away. Anybody messes with me is getting a cast in the crotch. Nothing can stop me. Nothing.
Bridge… I’m coming… Wait!
Verse… No other patients in the clinic because no one can find a place to park. Cast techs hoping for something to do… What could that be? Oh! Me! Yes, pick me! Pick me! New cast tech takes me to the back room and tries to saw off cast with tiny power saw. Cast breaks power saw. ”Who the hell put on this cast? I’ve never seen such a thick cast.” I point my index finger right at the culprit – “He did.” The culprit gives me a smug smile. Cast tech gets another saw, saws through the cast, tries the cast-splitter. No dice. Has to use the saw again.
Second Bridge… Hang on, that’s my ankle bone you’re sawing!
Verse…. Cast removed. Ah, fresh air! Dang, I need to shave that sucker! And get an emergency pedi. The doctor comes in for the examination. Says, “Looks like it’s mending. Let’s put you in this gigantic tight wrap for another few weeks…”
Whiny Chorus… Nooooooooooooo!
Verse… Everybody laughs and I put on the shoes I brought before anyone can do anything else to me. I stand up and fall over, grab for the wall. My left ankle has become a dead fish. Won’t hold me up. Sadistic cast tech– “You want us to get you a walker?” Smirk.
Chorus… Efff off. Efff off. Efff off.
Verse… Suck it up and walk the half-mile to the car. Just suck it up and walk.
Chorus… Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Don’t fall.
My ankle will never look the same but by god I got my pedicure.