So hubs and I were in bed this morning and he happened to notice a magazine on the bedside table. It’s a woman’s magazine… not anything I subscribe to. I think a house guest left it and I kept it because I wrote some important phone numbers on the back.
Yes, I know. I should store my important phone numbers somewhere other than the back of a magazine, a magazine I will probably toss into the recycling bin without a second thought.
Anyway, he grabs the magazine and reads aloud: ”20 Sizzling Sex Secrets,” and he says, “Oooh, I gotta read this.”
And I say: ”Every woman’s magazine contains some version of this article… 50 ways to please your lover… 20 things he really wants you to do in bed… his 10 most secret desires… boring.”
So he says: ”No, let’s read it. Could be interesting.” Wink. Wink.
And I’m thinking– Okay, maybe the article is about a man’s most sensitive areas, what men like in bed, hidden desires… whatever. Might be titillating.
So I say: ”Go on then, read some of these sizzling secrets.”
He reads the first secret – “The best bedroom benefiting routine combines cardio and strength training.”
Me: ”Huh? This is a sizzling secret?”
Number 2 – “In the winter your libido decreases.”
Number 3- ”A woman who drinks more alcohol is more likely to enjoy sex.”
Me: ”Um… WTF? That is just so wrong for so many reasons.”
Number 4- ”Your shopping habits. Do you whip out that credit card and buy the first dress you see or do you browse until you find the perfect party dress?”
Me: ”What does shopping have to do with sex? Shopping is a buzz-kill for most men. It’s a buzz-kill for me for sure.”
Number 7- ”Where you sit on the family tree.”
Me: ”And this connects to sizzling sex… how? The last thing I want to think about when I’m having sex is my family tree.”
Number 8- ”Your heart, literally. What is your cholesterol level?”
Me: ”What kind of article is this? Let me see that magazine. Is this one of your medical journals?”
Number 13- ”The letters in his name. It’s sexy if you share letters in your names.”
Me: ”Yeah, I’m really feeling the sizzle now.”
Number 19- ”Your immune system.”
Me: ”Now I know this is one of your medical journals. Give me that.”
Hubby pulls it away. ”Hey,” he says, “You wanna hear their favorite sizzling secret?”
Me: ”Sure, what is their favorite sizzling secret?”
“Number 14, how many sexual partners you’ve had. Researchers have determined that the perfect number of sexual partners should be twelve.”
Me: ”You’re kidding me. That’s kinda gross. What about STDs?”
“It doesn’t say anything about STDs.”
Me: ”So does it say you’re supposed to ask your partner, you know because it would be such a turn on as part of foreplay, by the way, have you had twelve sexual partners?”
“Doesn’t say. Just says the more partners you’ve had the more likely you are to get it right eventually, and 12 seems to be the magic number.”
Me: ”Gimme that magazine. This is the worst sex article I’ve ever seen. There’s no sex in it.”
I reread the article. Hubs wasn’t joking. Number 11 was all about how divorce rates vary depending upon what part of the country you live in. Nothing like discussing divorce rates to put the old sizzle in your marriage bed.
You know that author I mentioned the other day, the woman who said magazines make up shit all the time? I bet ya this was one of hers. Number 3 sounds like her…