Rescue Me!

So because of this darn yellow jacket allergy, and because it’s still hot here and the yellow jackets are everywhere and one might attack me anywhere, anytime, I have to carry all these rescue medications with me.  An Epipen goes in the back pocket of my jeans, for obvious reasons, but also Benadryl gel caps in the front pocket, and a rescue inhaler (a bronchodilator), in my purse or the other back pocket if I’m out in the yard in case I get stung and my airway starts to close- in addition to using an inhaled corticosteroid twice a day, morning and evening and taking a long-acting antihistamine nightly.

It’s all so complicated!  I’ve never used so many medications in my life, and this is the very first time I’ve used antihistamines.  Ewww.  Don’t like ‘em. Plus I’m now getting a venom shot once a week.  Got the concentration upped today and I’m feelin’ it, let me tell you.

There is definitely a relationship between yellow jackets and their victims – this isn’t random, believe you me.  They are attracted to certain people for unknown reasons.  They are attracted to me.  I can’t wear fragrance of any kind– that means no lotion, no perfume, no fabric softener, no fragrance in my soap or detergent or deodorant.  Heck, I barely wash my hair because it’s impossible to find a fragrance-free shampoo.

Me grocery shopping.

How I miss those long ago days when all I had to worry about was running into the occasional mountain lion while hiking… le sigh

I had this dream a couple nights ago that author Amber Skyze came for a visit.  She opened the back door and in flew an entire swarm of yellow jackets.  Oh, the situation got ugly fast.  Amber honey, I know you wouldn’t do that to me.  It was your evil twin!

Last night I dreamed I had enrolled in a cooking class taught by a famous celebrity chef, except he didn’t show up so Rachel Ray took his place.  Why Rachel Ray was in my dream I don’t know.  I haven’t watched one of her cooking shows in ages.

Anyway, the food was okay, a little under-seasoned, but this weird thing happened.  Rachel asked me to go into the kitchen and find the salt.  So I went.  Unfortunately I didn’t see the salt so  I opened the door to a walk-in pantry and there was the chef, the celebrity chef who’d been MIA – flat on his back with, uh, two women wearing chef’s hats doing, uh, stuff.  They all stopped what they were doing to stare at me.

I could feel my cheeks burning.  I said, “Excuse me,” and I shut the door.  Instead of returning to the class I left the restaurant and stood in front, in the dark, wondering where in the hell I’d parked my car because, man, I just wanted to get out of there.

Rachel Ray followed me outside.  She said, “Wait, I need your evaluation.”

I said, “I don’t think you want my evaluation.”

She slid her arm through mine and gave me a knowing look.  She pulled me back inside.  “Yes,” she said, nodding, “I really really need your evaluation.”

Daaaayamn, girl.

She took me to this stairwell where there was this loud spinning fan.  She said, “We can’t be overheard here.  Now spill.”

I was about to spill when my dog woke me up with a nose in my face – 5 a.m. wake up call on the nose.

So hey Rachel, if you still want the scoop better give me a holler.  Wouldn’t you like to know which celebrity chef?  Never thought of him as a sex machine, that’s for sure.


Tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Rescue Me!

  1. Amber Skyze says:

    Geez, why me??? I’d never do anything to hurt you. :) lol
    Hugs, for being a prisioner…damn yellow jackets.

    Don’t keep us guessing…who is the chef?

  2. I’m just a love machine, dadadada dadum dee dum da
    Now, you presented me with a series of problems and in true CSR mode I must solve them:
    1. Bounce makes unscented dryer sheets. I use them because scented ones make me itchy.
    2. Tea tree oil shampoo may repel rather than attract but I would be happy to research unscented shampoo, or you could do a vinegar rinse afterward to make your hair super shiny and cut any scent. WF makes a really thick unscented lotion so they probably do shapoo too.
    3. As soon as you find any product that works and buy it the weather will turn cold.

    Stay Unstung. You’re our Unstung Hero!

  3. Delilah Hunt says:

    Darn those yellow jackets. I hope this problem goes away soon. Mosquitoes are attracted to me and my oldest son, hubby and the youngest never gets bitten. Sorry it’s not as simple as a couple of mosquitoes for you, though. Hope everything else is going all right with you during your captivity :-)

  4. Sorry about the yellow jackets. We’ve had 2 freezes so our’s are gone.
    I’ve gotta say, you have the most involved dreams. So funny. I never remember mine.

  5. Katalina Leon says:

    I loved this. Amber’s evil twin is the Mistress of Yellow Jackets! I might have to steal this… Stephen King should hear about this ASAP.
    My “evaluation” of Rachel Ray is you’re wearing a mic, I can hear you, please speak softer.
    Anthony Bourdain has certainly taken a dim view to his female peers, sadly I have to agree with him.

  6. Jaye says:

    Okay, you win for the best post of the day. And top contender in the Weird Dream Category.

    (I am laughing so hard right now)

  7. Thank you, Jaye. I have very weird dreams.

  8. Go on, Kat, send it to Stephen King. He’s welcome to take it and run. He could write a story like Hitchcock’s The Birds. Yeah, Rachel does tend to shout. She did in my dream as well – thank god for the ‘spinning fan’! Gotta love bad boy Anthony! He’s my fave!

  9. Maybe I’ll come live with you, Stephanie! Geez! I am so sick of house arrest! I’ve always had vivid dreams. I even remember some of the dreams I had as a kid.

  10. Thanks, Delilah. All is sorta okay. Hubby is sick and I had a reaction to my recent shot. Hey – mosquitoes ignore me. Interesting, isn’t it.

  11. Hi Steph. I’m even afraid of Tea Tree. I have some. I am using vinegar, but still, I want to put on lotion. Waaaaaaaaaa! Can’t wait for the weather to turn cold! And thank you.

  12. I know, Amber! In the dream I thought – Amber wouldn’t do this. This can’t be Amber! Too funny!

  13. anny cook says:

    I hope all this crap works for you, woman! It sounds a total pain in the butt!

  14. Thanks, Anny. Yes, it is.

  15. Diana Stevan says:

    How frustrating! Sorry to hear about these challenges. My husband was attacked by a wasp years ago and his face swelled up almost immediately. We ened up in emergency so this is no laughing matter. I’d guard that story though. Stephen King has enough of his own ideas. Hugs.

  16. Oh wow, Diana, scary! You know there is a very simple blood test which tests for wasp allergies. Not those allergy tests the doctors once used. And then your husband can hang out with me and get venom injections!

  17. I’m sorry to hear about all your battles with the Yellow Jackets. I almost feel bad for enjoying the post so much, but alas, it was too good not to.

    I’m horrified of being stung. At age 45, I’ve yet to have it happen. I have, on occasion, run screaming from a fierce, but completely disinterested, wasp, in the presence of a first date. There would be no second date. I mean really, who wants to date someone that isn’t smart enough to run screaming from those little beasts.

  18. Tom Stronach says:

    You and Oscar are going to have to keep working to pay for all those medications you need now Missy. and was that chef John in the cupboard?

  19. Oh Tom! Chef John wishes! Nope, I would never put him in that situation, not even in my dreams. He’s way too cool! And the meds? I’m like… non-med person so this is sick, I tells ya!

  20. Don’t sweat it, Brian. My husband runs from daddy-long-legs. Runs and shrieks like a little girl. And he’s a totally macho guy.

  21. sandra cox says:

    Hmm, I wonder what your particular connection is with the winged attackers……..