I haz a conversation with my mother.

Don’t mistake circular-speech for stupidity.  My mother is sharp as a tack.

“Hi mom. I heard you went to a Shakespeare play. Which one?”

“The one with no arms.”

“A Shakespeare play with no arms? What had no arms? The play?”

“No, the woman.”

“What woman?”

“The bartender. She didn’t have any arms.”

“The bartender? Which play was this?”

“Oh, some people didn’t like it, it got a few bad reviews, but I thought it was interesting. They had to dress her.”

“Had to dress who?”

“The woman with no arms.”

“But you said she was a bartender. How did she serve drinks? With her feet? Who hires a bartender without any arms? Which Shakespeare play was this?”

“The Bernstein’s daughter directed it. You know the Bernsteins… You know, your sister’s friends, the Bernsteins.”

“I don’t know the Bernsteins. I’ve never heard of the Bernsteins.”

“Oh, we stayed after to talk to her. It was so interesting.”

“To talk to who? The bartender with no arms or the director?”

“I don’t know how these people come up with these ideas.”

“Mom, which people? The director?  Shakespeare? The bartender? Who are you talking about?”

“You know they burned the nun.”

“Ummmmm, what nun?”

“Somebody in a convent found a secret manuscript and they burned the nun.”

“What nun? Was there a nun in the play?”

“No, there’s a nun in the other play. I haven’t seen it yet.”

“Mom, what plays are you talking about?”

“You know, in the Shakespeare Festival.”

“I don’t remember an arm-less bartender in any Shakespeare play or a burning nun. What plays?”

“She had to use a cane when she went to the funeral.”

“What funeral? The nun’s funeral? Who used a cane? The arm-less bartender? How did she hold a cane? With her foot?”

“No, silly, your cousin Mary. She used a cane.”

“At the play? She’s visiting you?”

“No, at the funeral.”

“What funeral are you talking about and why in the hell is Mary using a cane?”

“Because she left her walker in the car.”

“Why is Mary using a walker???”

“Because her friend died, you know, that ninety year old friend.”

“What ninety year old friend?”

“Mitchell (Mary’s husband) had to help her.”

“He had to help the ninety year old friend who died?”

“No, Mary.”

“Why is Mitchell helping Mary?”

“Because she left her walker in the car.”

“For crying out loud, Mom, since when is Mary walking with a cane and a walker?”

“Oh, she has a show.”

KMN. “What show?”

“A jewelry show.”

“What does that have to do with her cane or her walker?”

“Her neighbor is making the turkey.”

“For the funeral or for the jewelry show?”

“No, for Thanksgiving.”

Please somebody, KMN. “Are Mary and Mitchell going to their neighbor’s for Thanksgiving?”

“No, the kids are coming in and she doesn’t want to cook.”

“Mary or the neighbor?”

“The kitchen burned down.”

“Mom, the kitchen burned down two years ago. They had it rebuilt. Why is Mary walking with a cane?”

“Oh, she’s too ferschmiggled to cook. I think Christie is making the pies. Did you see what Sharon’s been doing?”

“Who’s Sharon?”

“She’s crazy. She’s talking to Cassie’s ghost.”

“Mom, who’s Sharon and who’s Cassie? Is this another play?”

“She pushed Phyllis down the stairs right before she left the show.”

Oh god, The Young and the Restless.

“Okay, Mom, well, I gotta go.”

“Wait, I thought you wanted to hear about the play.”

“No, that’s okay, I think I got the gist of it.”

“Your father refused to go because he says Shakespeare makes him want to commit suicide.”

“I don’t think it’s Shakespeare who makes him want to commit suicide, Mom.”

And you, dear reader, wonder why I’m so crazy…














Tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to I haz a conversation with my mother.

  1. Amber Skyze says:

    Oh boy my head is spinning! LOL Poor mom. Too many thoughts in her mind.

  2. Jaye says:

    Ya know, Julia, I have people in my life like this. They natter. Every thought becomes speech. I love them. I even enjoy their company. I have learned how to use the Cone of Silence to tune them out. And you know what? They don’t even care that I’m not listening. They really don’t. What’s funniest of all is that my presence, occasional nod and “Uh huh,” and “Really?” makes me a good conversationalist.

    Of course, there is a slight danger in this. These compulsive talkers have a gift for holding two sides of a conversation. I might spend an hour never getting a single word in edgewise, then find myself being “quoted” later or having “my words” thrown back at me.

  3. anny cook says:

    EXCELLENT conversation! Yes, yes…this is my mother…

  4. OMG! I felt like I was going crazy just reading it.

  5. Kat- LOL! It’s how I feel every conversation. Yet she is really smart. But her brain runs in circles.

  6. Anny – too funny! Your mother speaks in circles?

  7. Jaye, usually I do just say– yes, uh-huh, oh… or nod my head if I’m there in person. But OMG! How she does go on! It’s hard to get a straight answer from her.

  8. Amber – my mother never forgets a thing. She knows everyone’s second cousin’s brother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s stepson’s wife. And I get to hear about all of them.

  9. Julie: I don’t know if my head was spinning because of your conversation with your mom, or the comments. I’m somewhat confused. I guess I should have been following along. But, great writing. Certainly pulled me in and kept me interested.

  10. Welcome to my world, Veronica! Yeah, my head spins a lot.

  11. I’m sorry. I laughed. It’s not nice to laugh at someone else’s pain. I blame my mother.

  12. Ciara, are you kidding me? I think it’s hilarious! In our family we laugh at all kinds of awful stuff. My mother almost laughed herself to death when her cousin choked on a wooden toothpick! It still makes me laugh.
    Our family is the same way. :P

  13. Diana Stevan says:

    Thanks for the laughs, Julia. Some conversations are like that. You mom is a jewel. God bless her. What a character! I have a feeling I’m going to end up like that. The synapses will misfire and away I’ll go. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

  14. Roberta says:

    Jaye hit nail on head.

    Trying to have a conversation with someone who speaks every thought that their head gets is madness. Like someone else said, just nod and keep saying, “Yes. ” I don’t get these folks. I really don’t. They vote. They drive. They cook. How can they function??????????

  15. Well, Roberta, she manages. Actually my mom is super smart. She simply speaks in circles. There is a method to her madness but none of us has figured it out yet. :)

  16. You’re welcome, Diana! My mom is a hoot. Once upon a time she suffered such a severe depression that she never left her bed, let alone the house. Anti-depressants changed her life. But she’s still goofy.

  17. Diana Stevan says:

    Sometimes the ones who are goofy make more sense than the ones who aren’t.

  18. Ray Plasse says:

    I think that was scarier then your walks with Jake!!!

  19. Made me laugh, Ray!

  20. Ray Plasse says:

    Then my job here is done. :)

  21. No, dear Julia. You are NOT crazy, though I don’t know why. You must be very strong –and a good listener for story dialogue and ideas–to survive your mother’s “conversations.”
    So, if the kitchen burns and the bartender is armless, will you have turkey for Thanksgiving…or nut cake?

  22. Dear Marylin, I think I’ll have a whiskey sour. Maybe four. Somewhere in there, hidden in her seemingly nonsensical musings, is an actual narrative.