Useful tools for phishing bugs from your cast.

Please kids, don’t try this.  Never, ever stick anything down your cast.  I should know… I’m a nurse.  Which is sorta like Ask Dr. Science.  Except I have a degree in… nursing.

Getting a bug in your cast is pretty awful… as in hopping around screaming awful.  As in lying on your back with your leg straight up in the air trying to shake the bug out awful.  As in pounding on the fiberglass with a ballpeen hammer awful.  As in nightmares of ticks birthing Alien babies inside your cast awful.

Now, since this is my third leg cast – the two previous having to do with stress fractures of the heel – I’ve learned a few things.

A.  If you break your cast by hiking while you are in the cast, the cast guy will punish you by applying a tight-ass hotter-n-shit heavy as lead cast ensuring that you can barely walk at all.  (Very Christian Grey of him, don’t you think???)

B.  Depending upon the type of bug in your cast, there are various tools you can use to either squish the bug or fish it out.  Here are a few:

The stainless steel butter knife – slides well but you must be careful not to scratch anything with the serrated edge.

The frosting spreader – better than a butter knife because it provides the same slip and slide without any sharp edges.

The cardboard bookmark – effective for a little bug.

Chopsticks – A chopstick can go much deeper than a butter knife but you must be careful not to lose your grip and drop it into your cast.  Best used from a prone position with your cast held up above your head so the chopstick will fall out instead of in.  (The enamel chopsticks are preferable to the wooden chopsticks which can splinter.)

A pencil – but only the eraser end.  Hold on tight.

The big gun – a yardstick.  This tool is for emergencies only–  as in you have either a tick in there, or a bee, wasp, spider, mosquito, biting ant.  There are no other acceptable circumstances under which you may use a yardstick.  Especially useful when covered with double-sided tape.  Be careful not to get the tape stuck in your cast.

Note to self, owning a samurai sword does not give me license to stick it down my cast, regardless of bug.

I get this sucker off on Friday… If I can make it that long.