Naked is as naked does.

In the Garden of Eden Baby

In the Garden of Eden…

So since I’m away, hubby took Jake for two hikes today.   He and the dog left on their second hike near dusk, heading over to the wilderness park near our home.  The park is steep and, aside from the main trail, relatively inaccessible.  There are numerous trails, however they meander.  Many end abruptly– sometimes at a cliff edge.  It helps to know your way around for a variety of reasons.

There was hubby, hiking on our favorite side trail with Jake.  He crested a hill and came to an old oak.  Years ago some kids put a swing on that old oak, but it’s rotted and fallen into disuse.

Hubby says it was dusk, the sun had gone down behind the hills, and there right in front of him he spotted a young couple beneath the tree buck naked, doing it doggy-style.

The path led right past them.

Hubby stood there for a while, not really wanting to turn around – which would have meant backtracking all the way up to the summit.  He didn’t want to be hiking in the dark.  So he cleared his throat a few times, which they apparently didn’t hear… Finally he shouted, “Coming through!”

The couple threw on their clothes and headed off down the trail.

Now, if they’d known their way around the park, and it was obvious from hubby’s tale they did not, they would have known about some of the barely-used side trails, side trails which offer a great deal of privacy.

Instead they stuck to the main trail and hubby, who’d been poking to give them time to find one of those discreet out of the way places, came around a another corner and ran right into them, naked, doing it doggy-style in the middle of the trail.

This time he said, “C’mon, guys.  I’m trying to walk here.  Get a room.”

He said they giggled, grabbed their clothes, and ran off down the trail.  Ah well.

Hubby commented to me, “You know watching sex live is not a turn on.  It just sorta looks stupid.”

Poor poor man.

In other news, my dad is busy doing dishes, which is the only labor he’s allowed to do.  He’s singing Strangers in the Night.  I made him lobster. Smiley Face!

***My husband has sent me a postscript:

Read your post. It doesn’t happen often but I do run into naked people in odd places without trying sometimes. I believe you have written in the past about my encounter in Phoenix while running without my contact lenses in. You know with the fake owl and the two naked people in the hot tub.

It was remarkable how out of place and untitillating this latest encounter was. It was actually comical. When observing sex, what makes it interesting is context. That is true with most things but especially sex.

 

 

20 Sizzling Sex Secrets?

So hubs and I were in bed this morning and he happened to notice a magazine on the bedside table.  It’s a woman’s magazine… not anything I subscribe to.  I think a house guest left it and I kept it because I wrote some important phone numbers on the back.

Yes, I know.  I should store my important phone numbers somewhere other than the back of a magazine, a magazine I will probably toss into the recycling bin without a second thought.

Anyway, he grabs the magazine and reads aloud:  “20 Sizzling Sex Secrets,” and he says, “Oooh, I gotta read this.”

And I say:  “Every woman’s magazine contains some version of this article… 50 ways to please your lover… 20 things he really wants you to do in bed… his 10 most secret desires… boring.”

So he says:  “No, let’s read it.  Could be interesting.”  Wink.  Wink.

And I’m thinking– Okay, maybe the article is about a man’s most sensitive areas, what men like in bed, hidden desires… whatever.  Might be titillating.  

So I say:  “Go on then, read some of these sizzling secrets.”

He reads the first secret – “The best bedroom benefiting routine combines cardio and strength training.”

Me:  “Huh?  This is a sizzling secret?”

Number 2 – “In the winter your libido decreases.”

Me:  “What?”

Number 3-  “A woman who drinks more alcohol is more likely to enjoy sex.”

Me:  “Um… WTF?  That is just so wrong for so many reasons.”

Number 4-  “Your shopping habits.  Do you whip out that credit card and buy the first dress you see or do you browse until you find the perfect party dress?”

Me:  “What does shopping have to do with sex?  Shopping is a buzz-kill for most men.  It’s a buzz-kill for me for sure.”

Number 7-  “Where you sit on the family tree.”

Me:  “And this connects to sizzling sex… how?  The last thing I want to think about when I’m having sex is my family tree.”

Number 8-  “Your heart, literally.  What is your cholesterol level?”

Me:  “What kind of article is this?  Let me see that magazine.  Is this one of your medical journals?”

Number 13-  “The letters in his name.  It’s sexy if you share letters in your names.”

Me:  “Yeah, I’m really feeling the sizzle now.”

Number 19-  “Your immune system.”

Me:  “Now I know this is one of your medical journals.  Give me that.”

Hubby pulls it away.  “Hey,” he says, “You wanna hear their favorite sizzling secret?”

Me:  “Sure, what is their favorite sizzling secret?”

“Number 14, how many sexual partners you’ve had.  Researchers have determined that the perfect number of sexual partners should be twelve.”

Me:  “You’re kidding me.  That’s kinda gross.  What about STDs?”

“It doesn’t say anything about STDs.”

Me:  “So does it say you’re supposed to ask your partner, you know because it would be such a turn on as part of foreplay, by the way, have you had twelve sexual partners?”

“Doesn’t say.  Just says the more partners you’ve had the more likely you are to get it right eventually, and 12 seems to be the magic number.”

Me:  “Gimme that magazine.  This is the worst sex article I’ve ever seen.  There’s no sex in it.”

I reread the article.  Hubs wasn’t joking.  Number 11 was all about how divorce rates vary depending upon what part of the country you live in.  Nothing like discussing divorce rates to put the old sizzle in your marriage bed.

You know that author I mentioned the other day, the woman who said magazines make up shit all the time?  I bet ya this was one of hers.  Number 3 sounds like her…

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been declared a MILF.

Enough with the nicey nice nice posts.  I’m  a MILF!  It’s official.

Pardon me for a moment while I paraphrase Kohelet, or as he’s known by his more common name, Ecclesiastes:

Vanity…vanity…all is vanity.

I admit it…I am as vain as they come.  A couple weeks ago I headed over to Whole Foods and I got the look…in fact I got several looks…you know the head down, eyes up appraising look, the interested double take…got it from three guys having coffee in front of the store -sitting at three different tables.  I called my daughter and I said, “I am so vain…I tell you, I am so fucking vain.  The day I no longer get those looks is the day I hang it up.  Does that sound awful?”

Like mother like daughter, she replied, “No, mom, I totally get it.  I feel exactly the same way.”  Thank you Jesus!

I’m not vain in the plastic surgery or makeup or short dresses or manicured nails way.  Never had plastic surgery, don’t wear makeup, hardly own a dress and I bite my nails.  But I am vain in the I like the attention of the opposite sex kind of way.

Follow me here…

1.  Two days ago, my husband and I went out to our favorite local dive with a couple friends and I ran into a guy I used to hike with…he’s maybe ten, fifteen years my junior and hot.  And married.  And I like his wife.  A lot.  He gave me a hug and took down my new cell phone number so he could call me about going on a hike.

2.  Yesterday afternoon, I had to go for a mammo because there have been some issues lately that I am not ready to discuss until I have the good word – anyway – the little Hispanic mammo tech, as she’s fitting my small breast into the machine of squish torture asks me if I have kids.  Grimacing, I say, yeah, three.  She replies, three kids!  You are one hot mama!  You are what my sons would call a MILF! I burst out laughing while she giggles and tells me to hold my breath and says – See, now it don’t hurt so much!

3.  Last night, my old friend (see no. 1)  sent me a text and then he called.  He said – I was so happy to see you the other day!  I felt like a teenager again.  You look so good, I wanted to jump your bones. His words rendered me speechless, which doesn’t happen very often, but I finally said…we’re both married buddy.  He said, Yeah, I know, but damn girl!

4.  It’s called the stress-related don’t eat, don’t sleep, exercise excessively, along with a lot of hot, hard middle of the night lovin’ from your sweetie school of MILFing.

5.  I am gloriously happily married to love of my life and the best fuck I ever had so ain’t nuthin’ ever gonna happen, but  damn girl…I’m gonna enjoy my MILFing while I still got it!

In other news, my good MILF bud, Mia Watts, has a new release and if you head over to Resplendence you can pick it up along with any book you like and get a discount in the bargain – so go!  Type in: Mia20 and receive 20% off your book purchase!!!

http://www.resplendencepublishing.com/

Murder and Mayhem or Erotica?

I may be a very weird person

but I never, not once, allowed my children to watch a horror or slasher film.  Gratuitous killing was and is not welcome in my house.  Now…on the other hand, if there was a good film that included sex and/or adult language, that was a different story.  By a certain age, after discussion, my kids were allowed to watch a movie that contained sex.

I have never understood the appeal of slasher/torture/horror films.  Yes, I know…studies indicate that in the same way amusement park thrill rides appeal to us, we like scary movies.  We like to be scared out of our wits.  We love that adrenaline rush.  But I have never understood how a society can accept and even glorify violence on the one hand and be so incredibly prudish about sex and nudity on the other.  Not talking about porn here – not in any way shape or form.  I will not even go there.  Porn, in its various manifestations, is another subject altogether and I am not a fan.

I flat out don’t get it.  Allowing small children to immerse themselves in violent movies, television shows and video games is okay, but a naked body is not?

My children are now adults.  Young adults, but adults.  I am pleased to say that none of them has any interest in slasher films.  They read, they play computer games that do not involve murder, mayhem and violence against women and they watch great cinema.  I’m not the perfect parent, but in this one thing, I did achieve my goal.

I repeat, I really don’t get it.  Violence good.  Sex bad?  Don’t.  Get.  It.