A fellow blogger recently posed the question to herself - Are we, as erotic romance writers, encouraging women to have unprotected sex by writing unprotected sex scenes? Are we encouraging women to behave irresponsibly?
Hmmm. To me, that’s like the Twinkie Defense. Because I ate a lot of sugary food products as a child, I therefore commit violent crimes as an adult for which I am not responsible. The Twinkie made me do it. I’m going to give women a whole lot of credit here and say that they know the difference between fantasy and reality. For instance, just because I read Jane Smiley’s A Thousand Acres and because she’s a good writer and she made me feel her main character’s pain, doesn’t mean I’m going to find me some wild parsnips, dig them up, and poison my sister. Or even consider doing something like that for one second.
I don’t worry too much about safe sex in romantic fantasies because that’s what they are, romantic fantasies. Like in dreams, I can do whatever the hell I want. I did write a safe sex scene for my story, You Might Just Get It, in The Cougar Book, because a condom made sense under the circumstances. Logical Lust did not give me a rule that said - you must include a condom in this story. I wrote about a forty-something year old divorced nurse who begins a relationship with a twenty-something year old chef. It’s not like she’s carrying a condom around in her pocket because she expects to…you know… just get it. She’s not expecting to ‘get it‘ at all. But the guy has a condom because guys have condoms. I swear, every guy I ever dated carried around a condom or two in his wallet. It’s a guy thing. A condom fit this particular story because this story is realistic. If I was in the dating scene now, I’d be making sure that every protruding part of any guy I was with was covered with latex and I’d probably wrap myself in plastic sheeting, just to be on the safe side!
When I read a romance, especially an erotic romance, I guess I’m looking for Erica Jong’s Zipless Fuck. For those of you under the age of thirty-five - Fear of Flying. I want to imagine being so caught up in the throes of passion that the world and all its myriad problems vanishes, while I melt into a puddle of love everlasting where STDs and unwanted pregnancies do not exist.
I’m writing under the assumption that readers of romance are pretty dang savvy and can be responsible for their own safe sexual practices. I write to entertain and enchant, that’s it.
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I really love this post today. While my stories always include a condom due to requirements. Sometimes it I think it slows the story to stop to put one on.
I feel women are smart enough to know books are FANTASY.
Interesting. Unsafe sex jolts me right out of the story every time.
Yeah, me too, Chris. Maybe it’s my age or something but I always stop for a moment and shake my head, wondering what they were thinking…unless the author has given me a reason to feel like it’s okay. Say, they’re vampires. Or some other logical thing.
That’s just the way I am…
Anny: YES. I give paranormals more leeway, but not contemporaries. Especially for m/m, pretty much every reader I know gets upset at unsafe sex in a story.
In both m/f and m/m, unsafe sex tends to make me think much less of the people involved - that they are uncaring of each other or just plain dumb.
Chris and Anny - I completely understand and IRL I would feel exactly the same way - jolted, really like somebody hit me upside the head and said - you’re a complete idiot! But if you read mainstream romance, not m/m - which I don’t write - condoms are rarely used. Studies of romance readers have indicated that often times readers feel as if the story is halted when someone stops to put on a condom - the act removes the fantasy aspect of the romance - as I said, the Zipless you-know-what - and reality intrudes. Reality means practicing safe sex and for my short contemporary, putting on a condom was a completely normal and appropriate act.
Of course you can get away with a whole lot of things in paranormal and fantasy, but I view most of romance as fantasy, pure and simple. I guess my question is this - Are the safe sex practices of a reader my responsibility? Must art reflect life - always? Or do we have to stick with fantasy and paranormal stories in order to justify no condoms?
I guess my other comment would be regarding m/m. I’ve read a little of it, I would never presume to write it. I would guess, and those of you who write m/m would know, that it’s a different animal altogether and the use of condoms would be expected in a story. All m/m I’ve read - contemporary - does include condoms. The vampire stories, no.
Fully recognizing the fantasy involved in romance. That said, romance seems less fantastical and more plausible with details like condoms. They can be added to a story smoothly, with little interruption to the story, or awkwardly, which is probably the disruption to the story that no one appreciates.
Interesting that an awful lot of the mainstream, contemporary m/f I’ve read actually does include condom use. Trying to remember which author (Rachel Gibson maybe?) uses condomfail as a regular plot device…
This is a very interesting discussion. Perhaps the popularity of historical and paranormal is enhanced by the fact that our modern realities aren’t present or if they are present, they don’t impact the paranormal characters.
I so agree with you. I read to leave the real world behind. My fantasy world is perfect and there are no diseases, I’m taller and thinner, and the man of my dreams only has eyes for me. I haven’t tried to date in a few years because of all the cheating, lying and sexual issues that are out here and I know that if I were to date, I would need to use a condom.
Thanks, Dana. A real reader comment. That’s what I was hoping to learn, how mainstream romance readers feel. I so like to leave the world behind when I read - and yes - in my fantasy world, I’m two inches taller and most of that is legs and I can sing like an angel! Yeah, I guess I believe that women definitely know the difference between book world and the real world.