Look at that muscle on my arm. Look at it. I ain’t no weinie!
Day four…rescue!
Up and moving at 5 a.m. Head throbbing but I can manage. I have exactly the right number of headache pills to last me through six to eight hours of paddling. After that, it’s anybody’s guess.
Our noise wakes the Bobs. As if we care. We pack up - talking quietly about how the Bobs want the tent packed a certain way, but we no longer give a shit. We can tell that the Bobs are sort of thinking of firing up the camp stove and chowing down on some of that delicious and nutritious instant oatmeal, but we ain’t havin’ it. We are packed up and we launch Old Iron Sides at 6 a.m. on the nose. I know I’m running on empty and this 7-8 mile paddle will take all the energy I have left. Hubby doesn’t have much gas in his tank either. We need to get a move on before the winds grow any stronger. Today the winds will be from the south at about 10-15 knots and we are headed south.
We stay in the lee of the archipelago of islands for as long as we can, but then we must join the large, open channel to get back to our portage. It is sheer determination that drives us. Hubby keeps our course straight and I paddle. After three days, we’ve come to think of Old Iron Sides as our best friend. We find a comfortable rhythm and keep him headed into the wind. Yes, it’s slow going, Old Iron Sides bounces his way along, but slow and steady win the race.
Mr. and Mrs. Bob follow a different trajectory. As the winds continue to pick up, we hear Mr. Bob call out, “Let’s stop at this island for lunch.” Stupid remaining half-cup of gorp.
Hubby and I don’t even bother to look in his direction. We keep on keepin’ on. If the winds are this strong at noon, how bad will they be if we stop out here in the open channel for an hour?
“Where’s Windy Point?” hubby asks.
“Dead ahead, and then we need to paddle into the channel to the left.”
Hubby, “Once we get into that channel, even though the winds are still strong, the land masses on either side will cut down on the wave action and this will get easier.”
Two more miles to windy point and then another three miles or so and we’re home free. We pass Windy Point and notice the Bobs pulling over to the shore. Hubby, “We should stop and rest, gather ourselves for the last push.”
Me, “No.”
Hubby, “We need to stop and rest and I can eat your portion of gorp.”
Me, “Well, since you put it that way…”
I take two pills and close my eyes for an hour, head in hubby’s lap, while he chows down on the gorp - he actually eats most of the remainder. He no longer cares that the Bob’s will be shortchanged.
We push off, into the wind, but hubby’s correct. Despite the wind, the water just can’t move as much as it does in the wide open lake. In another hour, we are pretty much out of the wind and headed toward the portage. Another hour and a half, and we pull into the shallows in front of the portage, I hit the wall. I have no energy reserves left. But still, I must help carry gear. I make two trips. The first trip I carry four life jackets, two paddles, a water proof stuff sack and a backpack. The second trip I tell Mrs. Bob I need to carry a lightweight pack. She starts to hand me the kitchen pack - which is very heavy. I know what she’s trying to do - make me carry the kitchen pack so she can carry the empty food pack. I shake my head and reach for the food pack. All alone on the far side of the portage, I rummage through it, hoping against hope there’s something inside. Ah-ha! What should I find but one lonely, stale chocolate chip cookie! I shove that sucker into my mouth fast as lightning! I save one corner for Hubby, but when he sees it, he says, “No, you eat it. You need it.” He gets no argument from me.
Mr. and Mrs. Bob load their gear into Butter, preparing to shove off so we can paddle to the pick up site. Because Old Iron Sides tends to get hung up on underwater rocks, hubby and I have made a habit of scouting shallow water for snags. As we wait our turn, we see…something. And we say…nothing.
Remember, this trip has been all about Mr. Bob and keeping Butter in pristine condition. Nothing is more important than Butter, not food, not Mrs. Bob, certainly not us. Butter is the end all and be all. Butter is the everything.
Mrs. Bob climbs into the canoe and Mr. Bob shoves off. He sticks his paddle in and gives a mighty sweep when we hear an ear splitting sound - Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - and Butter hangs up on a big fat underwater boulder. Mr. and Mrs. Bob look like they might vomit. They can’t get her off and every move they make just causes more damage. She receives a big old nasty gash all along her keel.
Hubby and I look at each other. We fall down in the sand, laughing our bloody asses off. We can’t believe it! Talk about karmic payback! We watch them struggle to free her, and man, it is a beautiful sight. It’s the best thing that’s happened in four fucking days.
We avoid the rock altogether, and laughing hysterically for the next half-mile, we paddle to the pick up site. By now, I’m in the euphoria stage of ketosis anyway, so I can’t stop laughing. We arrive 20 minutes before the boats are due. I spend the time wading along the shore, far away from Mr. and Mrs. Bob, following minnows and giggling.
When our saviors arrive, they bring sustenance, because it turns out they’ve experienced a similar trip and they know what we’ve been through. They take me aside and tell me the horror story of their three-day canoe trip with Mr. and Mrs. Bob and how they ran out of food, got lost, and thought they would die. I drink a quart of fresh-squeezed lemonade while they regale me - I hear about the canoe trip and about a misguided five-day backpacking trip with Mr. Bob somewhere in Montana so nightmarish that this guy has PTSD. He said he can’t even drive through mountains without having a panic attack. The puzzle pieces fit together perfectly!
Fortunately, our saviors provide us with a wonderful supper that night…lasagna, bread, pesto, black olive tapenade, salad and German chocolate cake. And it’s not divided into portion sizes - there’s plenty…we can eat all we want.
Mr. Bob asks us, as my husband says he is wont to do, “What will you take away from this experience?”
There are many things running through my mind. I could say, “I hate your mother fucking guts. You are self-centered, stupid, idiotic, dangerous narcissists. You nearly got us killed and I will never forgive you for that. I was reluctant to go on this trip and now I know why. I didn’t much like you when I first met you and I was right not to like you.“
There are so very many things I could say, but I don’t. Instead I say, “I learned that my husband and I are true partners. We can work together in the most difficult, the most adverse circumstances, and we can prevail.”
Mr. Bob doesn’t know what to make of my answer. He turns to Hubby. “And what will you take away?”
“That canoe was a piece of shit, and completely inappropriate for this trip, but we made it work. The wife and I were great together.” Mr. Bob is taken aback by the POS comment. Hubby shrugs. Nobody but Mr. and Mrs. Bob care what Mr. Bob thinks.
On the long trip home, we dissect our adventure. We hold hands, we laugh, we’re happy, and I decide I will write about it. And we decide that this is the last we’ll see of Mr. and Mrs. Bob.
I’ll play devil’s advocate for just a moment. In her defense, Mrs. Bob had the lasagna in her freezer and our savior set it out to thaw. Mr. Bob has been a political activist for many years, albeit, he wears blinders, is elitist though he’d never admit it, and dismisses any point of view that does not reflect his own. However, he has done some good despite his attitude. I don’t believe either Mr. or Mrs. Bob consciously made a decision to put us at risk. As far as what happens in their unconscious world, why they make the illogical decisions they do, I’ll leave that for you to surmise. I can only say that the two of them are ill and each feeds the others’ illness.
P.S. Mr. Bob emailed Hubby yesterday. He billed us $15.00 for our half of the food they provided on the trip. I don’t know which astounds me more…that they are asking us to reimburse them a measly $15.00 for half the food or that they spent a measly $30.00 on food to provision four people in the wilderness for four days. Amazing…
I’ll leave you with this recommendation…and no, it has nothing to do with the Bobs. Read Deep Survival, Who Lives, Who Dies and Why, by Laurence Gonzales. Not only is this a fascinating read, the book changed our lives. Hubby and I are both the outdoorsy type. We do lots and lots of stuff. One area where we had conflict in our marriage was my caution versus his theory that because he’s strong and resourceful, he can muscle his way out of anything. This prevented me from feeling truly confident when we went off on our adventures. I felt his illusion of immortality put us all at risk. We both changed after reading Deep Survival. He slowed down and began to pay attention to his surroundings, recognizing the limitations of this fragile human body. As he changed, my confidence in him and in myself grew apace. Buy this book. You won’t be disappointed.
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My idea of camping is a 3 star hotel somewhere without shopping.
I imagine they never asked you about food allergies. But providing nuts is irresponsible in more, many more, ways than one.
Nuts I hear, can also cause migraines. Both the Mr/Mrs Bob kind and the ones you eat.
Yay Julia! I’ll bet that was the best meal of your life. By the way, I am reading Anytime Darlin’ and I am loving it. It’s a great story. Can’t wait to finish…
also, I am super impressed with your arm muscle!
You are too kind to those assholes. I can’t believe they only brought $30 for 4 people.
And go Julia with the muscles!
You know, if the two people on the trip were strangers stuck together, it might make for a great romance novel…
Oh Julia, if your saviors knew this about the Bobs, one has to question why they still let the psychos take people on trips. LOL! I’m soooo glad hubby at least said something negative to Mr. Bob when he asked.
And I’m with Cindy. This would make a wonderful romance story.
The Boob’s (extra ‘o’ intentional) are dangerous! They shouldn’t be allowed to take people out. Someday they’re going to get someone killed.
Elysa
See, I’m thinking two people who can’t STAND each other are stuck together on this trip would make an excellent romance novel. The trust aspect alone would be worth the banter.
Julia you already know I think you’re amazing. You just keep on proving it. One question though, you were giving Mr. Julia all your food (which wasn’t much), and you have an amazing sense of direction…WHY then did you do all the paddling on a migraine while he kept the heading? Why not the other way around?
Plus, a cookie?! How’d they get that one by you. Those Bobs are gonna die on one of their adventures. Did they never comment on hunger during the trip? They are MORONS.
I’m glad you survived! And also that there was no cannibalism.
The Bob’s should be ashamed to bill you $15-its practically a written criminal confession they planned to starve you. There are some zeros missing from that bill…lol
Pay up and be done with it them. The lasagna alone was worth $15.
Actually it sounds as if you came away from this experience with a lot!
XXOO Kat
Steph - yes, nuts can cause migraines, but mostly it’s the salt. Salt is a big no-no for me.
Penelope - it really really was one of the best meals of my life - not the most memorable in terms of flavors, but just so desperately needed! Enjoy Anytime Darlin’!.
Amber - cool muscles, huh! Yeah, $30 total. Hubby and I are floored.
Cindy and Mia - I think it will make a good romance story once I’m able to put a little emotional distance between myself and the Bobs. Mia - I’m not strong enough to keep us headed in the right direction and he’s still paddling while he’s being a rudder so he has double duty. That’s why he needed my calories. Oh, they brought a few stale cookies that I guess Mrs. Bob’s daughter had baked the week before. I found that last one! The Bob’s never said a single word about being hungry. Apparently they like to starve. In fact, when we got back, Mr. Bob was crowing about the fact that he’d lost six pounds. He was thrilled!
Nina - I think that couple thought we knew what we were getting into, that we were going in eyes wide open. They were lifesavers!
Elysa, thanks for stopping by! I hope the only people they will be a danger to - from now on - will be themselves. Mr. Bob talked about going back to Montana. Hubby said no.
Chris - I would never resort to cannibalism. Seriously. Major taboo with me.
Kat - Yup, that’s what hubby and I decided. Pay up and shake their dust off our feet. I came away with more than I ever expected.
Somehow I missed how you got hooked up with the Boobs. They don’t charge people to take them out, do they?
Elysa - we know them. They are hubby’s friends, or they were hubby’s friends. The trip had been planned for almost a year.
Just goes to show you never really know someone until you go canoeing with them.
I’m glad to hear they aren’t professional canoe guides.
DAMN Julia!
I love your whole attitude regarding the trip. I’m glad you and hubby made it out safely and I hope to GOD no one else has to suffer at the hands of Mr. And Mrs Boob!
The book you recommend sounds intriguing. I’m a huge out door person but you can ALWAYS learn and improve yourself and I plan on checking out this title.
I understand where you are coming from in regards to the migroans. I get them frequently myself-my triggers are not just food items but scents, weather front shifts and lights.
Take care and recover from the ordeal!
Donica Covey
Julia,
Man what a trip from hell! I agree with those who’ve said this would make a great book! The storylines suggested sound intriguing for certain.
I’m an outdoor person to a point-I love to camp, hike, ATV and that sort of thing but to have to paddle? No thanks. I prefer outboard motors LOL. The largest body of water I’ve paddled in is a pond. But, with age I’ve decided I’d prefer NOT to battle the cotton mouths for the john boat.
Glad you’re safe and in one piece!
JJ
An astonishing feat of endurance, Julia! And what karmic payback! I love the end of butter!
Only one stale chocolate chip cookie? So, you didn’t starve. I applaud you-I would not have minded my manners as much. An epilogue, please? Celia
Enjoyed your scary story — enjoyed sounds wrong, but you survived and bested the Bob duo, and you can laugh about the events.
I live where I can kayak for 1, 2, 4 or 8 hours and I’m always withing 15 minute drive of the house. I absolutely hate sleeping on the ground.
I expect to see a novella of your true survival story. If you recall from a couple of years back, the tale of two people and a dog who survived being stranded in a blizzard that dumped five feet of snow in the middle of Utah’s western desert for a week? Yup…my friends all have harrowing experiences…which is why I carry battle rations every where I go.
Donica - Yup, as my neurologist told me - anything from the neck up can set off a migraine - plus I do have to be careful with certain foods…like movie popcorn means an instant migraine because of the salt.
Jinger - I lived in Austin, Texas, for a year and I swam in Lake Travis a lot, but I did worry about those cotton mouths! Scary!
Lindsay - the demise of Butter was priceless…just priceless! Still laughing!
Celia - an epilogue tomorrow - comin’ up!
Rhobin - hubby and one daughter did a kayak trip along the coast of B.C. last year and we plan to all go next year, but they ate great! They packed amazing food! Canoeing is fun…but no matter what you do, you need FOOD!
Yes, Fran, there will be a novella in my future! When we lived in snow country, we always packed blankets, flashlights, snacks, matches - all that good stuff. You know lots of people, girl!
That is the funniest, most horrifying thing I’ve read in ages. WTG on not telling them off. Taking the high road is always the best way…even though pushing the Bob’s into the water would probably have made you feel better.
Moira - thanks! I’m so glad you stopped by! I don’t always take the high road. I just didn’t think the low road would do any good in this situation.
Cute pic. Yup great muscles.
So they bought $30 worth of oatmeal and gorp, hey.
Sandra - my husband and I priced everything out. I came to $28 and something cents. Blows my ever-lovin’ mind!
I’m still absolutely floored by this whole thing. These people are beyond insane.
I cant’ wait to find out what you did with the towel. Great story.
Bron - oh heck yeah! It’s just beyond beyond….
Dana - actually, when we were unloading all the crap, the Mrs. shrieked at me to get in the shower so everyone could take a shower. Since I was barely thinking at that point, I ran up to the cabin and jumped in the shower and I realized…OMG! I forgot my towel!!! I stood there in the bathroom, dripping, wondering if I should run out naked and then I said, WTF, and I grabbed one of her good towels and used it and left it there. Oh…she so hates me! You gotta read the last word about their bathroom tomorrow.
Nothing like almost dying in the wilderness to make you feel really alive. Sounds like a perfect experience for you and “hubby”. So glad you made it out alive and with a good story. Due to my small size, I would have died if I had to go into ketosis. Of course, knowing me, I would have gone through that food bag before the trip with a fine toothed comb; checking food labels for everything I’m allergic to, additives and shit ingredients. Then i would have obsessively begun adding up all the calories.That right there would have caused me to say, “so long suckers”.