Two words: Mass Media. I specialized in Mass Media in high school, an experimental program which included writing, art, literature, film and film making.
Know your stuff. It’s not just a matter of reading books, although I do believe to the very depths of my soul that good writers are great readers.
With this caveat, a great reader does not necessarily a good writer make.
A young woman, a recent college grad, contacted me because her mother told her to. Yup. Her mother, who I met exactly one time, told her to call me. Because like, I’m a published author.
It is to laugh. Her mother has never read any of my books. If I was her mother, I’m the last person I’d have my daughter call, but anywhoooo…
So this girl writes, or rather, wants to write what I consider chiklit. Now, Chick Lit, ala The Devil Wears Prada or Sex and the City, is a bit passe. Chiklit was big five, ten years ago, but publishers aren’t really buying unless the author is well known and the book is a sure thing. Besides, even those of us who pretend to be writers know… well, we just know it ain’t easy to go the traditional route and if you want to swim with the self-pubbers you gotta put in your time and pay your dues.
She tells me this:
“I don’t watch television. I wasn’t allowed to watch television growing up.”
“I don’t go to movies.”
“I don’t read newspapers or magazines.”
“I live in L.A.”
“I think it would be fun to write about the fashion industry, you know, a girl in the fashion industry.”
“How hard could it be to get an agent and sign with a publisher like Simon and Schuster?”
At this point I’m thinking, oh honey. Your youth is showing. (Yeah, just wait, she’ll write a fuckin’ blockbuster and make six figures.)
So I stop gagging myself and in my sweetest, most professional voice, attempt to engage her in a discussion about the current state of the publishing industry and options she may want to consider. I bring up editing and the craft of writing, suggest a conference she might want to attend or a class or two she could take. Nope. She wants to write a novel and she knows way more than me because she just does.
The only reason I’m talking to her at all - because I HATE giving writing advice - is because her mother asked me to take her call. I suspect her mother thought I could hook her up with a New York publisher. No can do.
So I say, “Go for it. Goodnight, Good Luck and God Speed.”
Here’s why I think it’s a mistake to ignore the benefits of Mass Media and those who have gone before UNLESS YOU ARE LAWRENCE BLOCK who can get away with anything. It’s a mistake to ignore television and film and popular culture because you will screw up.
Sometime this past year I read a book set in the present that ignored the present, and the author screwed up in the very first chapter. She forgot about cell phones. I’m yelling at the character - “Pick up your damn cell phone and call the police.” But the author had apparently decided to ignore the existence of the cell phone when the existence of a cell phone was de rigour. It was essential to the scene. A cell phone belonged in that scene, even if it was broken or the battery was dead or someone tossed it from a moving car. Ruined the entire book for me.
Ignore popular culture at your own peril. You’re likely to write something that’s already been done to death or you’ll leave out an essential piece of information or technology like a cell phone.
Anyway, this girl reminded me of a woman I’d spoken to in my capacity as a hospice nurse. My parents convinced her to call me because she was struggling with her terminal diagnosis. Which everybody does, of course. But her struggle was a little different. She wanted me to giver her a pass, get her out of her Final Exams. She honestly did not believe she would die because she was such a spiritual person.
At last I asked, “What did you expect to happen at the end of your life?”
She said, “I thought I’d just step into heaven. That I wouldn’t have to die like everyone else, because I’m such a spiritual adept.”
You mean because you are so effin’ looney tunes?
But I didn’t say that. I said, “Even the Son of God, if you believe Jesus was the son of God, didn’t get to escape death. He died on the cross.”
“Yes,” she replied. “But I’m far more spiritually advanced than Jesus. I mean, if somebody told me your father had cancer, well, that would make sense.”
What the hell? ”Uh, excuse me?”
“Your father doesn’t even meditate,” she said. “He never thinks about the spiritual realm. He’s not a vegetarian. He eats dessert. And he tells dirty jokes. Now if someone like your father got cancer, that I would understand. He deserves to die. But me, well, I’ve passed through the highest realms of spirituality and I’ve achieved Godhead.”
Oh for Christ’s sake. ”Let me get this straight. You seriously think you won’t ever die?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Listen, lady, everybody dies. Nobody gets a free pass. Nobody. We all die of something. You have cancer. It’s bad. You’re gonna die of this cancer. Now if you want to talk about hospice…”
“How dare you say that? How do you know I’m going to die? I traveled all the way to Brazil to see John of God and he cured me.”
“Oh. Well then, I guess you don’t need me.”
So that’s how I felt about this girl and her novel, except I wasn’t all pissed off because she didn’t insult my father. She didn’t need me. She just wanted me to hook her up. Well, unfortunately I have no more pull with publishers and literary agents than I have with the Angel of Death.
Yeah, the lady died and yes, the girl is still writing her book. Year two. God speed.
(You know what the Buddha’s hand gestures mean, right? Fear dispelling, boon bestowing. Read your Joseph Campbell.)
Wow…I’m amazed by the woman who thought she’d get a free pass.
As for the writer, that’s youth. If she goes on to be a huge bestseller, good for her. I suspect she’ll pay her dues. I also wonder if she has staying power. This business feels like trudging through the mud at times.
That conversation with the hospice patient sounds like a great scene from a novel. Hmmm….maybe someone should write that. Julia? Julia?
Great post. Teens who don’t know the world because, apparently, it has been kept from them and even “regular” teens are sort of known for hubris.
Spiritual adepts however. if they are such, would not have any hubris. That is common to pretty much ANY tradition. Much like the recent yoga bru-ha-ha which boiled down to yoga and ego. If you have your ego in your asana with you, your ass is gonna be in a sling-ana. There is no such thing as a competitive spiritual practice. And, what an adept would know is that in the dying, there is only dying, even an adept may be frightened at an end because they are still human.
Funny how your parent’s acquaintance should have hubris similar to that of a teen aged child. Perhaps she had a frontal lobe disorder.
Just before I sat down and picked up my mouse, I was thinking of the song about the idea of god. “If god had a face, what would it be? And would you call it to his face?”… ” What if god were one of us? Just a stranger on the bus, trying to find his way home.” It also speaks to hubris. Tebow thinking his personal god would give a hoot about his football game - now that is some effing hubris.
Excellent article, Julia, m’dear. Reminds me of the time I had a conversation with a woman at a romance writers convention. She hadn’t written a book yet. Was still in the “thinking” stage. After I talked to her for about thirty minutes about writing and how publishing works, she gave me a narrowed eyed look and said, “I was hoping you’d give me the name of your agent. But I guess you have to keep some secrets secret, right?”
As Lawrence Block would say, “Oy.”
On this plane of existence two objects cannot occupy the same space. No writer can be like Nora Roberts or J.K. Rowling or the woman who wrote The Help because those spaces are already occupied. It’s a huge mistake to say, “I want that writer’s success,” and completely dismiss all the sweat and effort that writer put into building that success. You have to make your own.
Which is a bit off-topic, I realize, and I apologize. It struck a nerve.
On topic, I no longer talk to wannabe writers who claim they don’t read or express disdain for TV or movies or popular culture. As far as I’m concerned, they’re striving to live on their own plane of existence, too far removed from their desired readers to ever reach them. I wish them the best of luck. They’re going to need it.
OMG! Those poor girls…
This is the other great issue in the world today, wide spread “magical thinking” or being F@*king delusional as it is better known.
This does bring up a great point in both cases. It clearly illustrates that you can’t possibly reach your goals/ Heaven without walking the hard road first. We all have to learn, face the truth and die someday.
By the way, thank you for giving me permission to watch more television!
XXOO Kat
Sorry. I can’t seem to get excited about shoes or shopping or watching most television or even most current movies. I find myself snoozing or irritated because the sound is too loud on the commercials or …something.
But I try to be observant. And I pretty much don’t write contemporary. And I think I’m “paying my dues”. When you encounter someone who’s going to do it their way, whatever you say, then it’s time to say, “Good luck,” and walk away. That’s really all you can do.
I really enjoyed reading your story. I wish we were able to see what happens to the young woman, as I am sure the moment of realization that it isn’t easy, would be priceless. Maybe, there wouldn’t be a moment, maybe she is the type that would just make up an excuse or blame others for her failure, I don’t know. Either way, I don’t like her as a character and would feel great satisfaction seeing her crushed like a grape under the shoe of life; her mother, too.
Regardless, it was a great post and I very much enjoyed it.
I am always amazed at the level of cluelessness and entitlement that some people display. Whenever I think I’ve heard the most ridiculous story ever, someone goes and tops it. I’m not sure how anyone will ever top the story of the woman who thought she wouldn’t die though.
On the cell phone thing, the truly sad thing about that gaffe is that it would be trivially easy to fix: if the author wanted the character to be without their cell phone they could have said that the character dropped their cell phone and broke it, it was stolen, he forgot it when he left the house, or any number of other things. Not paying attention to every day details like that is just lazy writing.
Aaron - glad I could provide another idiotic story for you! Yeah, I was floored by her premise, to say the least. Lawrence Block can get away with writing a contemporary story, yet setting the scene as if you’re back in the 50′s or early 60′s and it works brilliantly.
However, the rest of us need to keep abreast of current societal trends. In this particular book, a cell phone was called for - current technology was required in order for the book to make any sense at all. Yet it simply wasn’t there. Very weird.
Thanks for stopping by, Brian. A grape is a good analogy since her parents are grape-growers. I don’t wish her ill, but I do believe that you ignore societal trends at your peril. Unless, like Homer Simpson, you want to go live under the sea. Who knows? Maybe we all have stars in our eyes when we’re 24. I didn’t, but then I had a kid to support.
Oh Anny, but you’re missing The Walking Dead! LOL! Television has never ever been better, IMO! More creative than Hollywood, that’s for sure!
You are observant though, and that makes all the difference.
Yes, Kat. You may watch more television!
It’s true - we all have to walk the road. Our paths diverge but they do converge in the end. This woman really and truly believed she was so spiritual that she would not die, she would be lifted bodily to heaven. I know you can picture the expression on my face. As far as giving advice to budding writers, I’ll answer specific questions, but no, I can’t even hook myself up, let alone somebody who wants to write about a young girl in the fashion world! Wait…I think I read that book…
Jaye - bwaaaaahaaaaaa! Oy indeed. Wouldn’t you just love it if we could make all our money simply by ‘thinking’? I would. I think a lot. Seriously, you can learn a lot from television. There is some really crisp writing out there. Plus there’s this:
So I know a doctor who lost his license to practice because he had a relationship with a patient. He and his wife didn’t own a television. I called him an idiot. I said - if you’d have watched Law and Order, you would have known you can’t have an affair with a patient. Big dummy. I mean if you don’t read the terms of your own professional license, then at least learn about your limitations by watching TV!
Speaking of pet peeves, I hate it when romance writers have a doctor romance a patient, or a lawyer a client. Big old no-no.
Love your yoga reference, Steph. This woman didn’t have a brain tumor. This was just the real her. I met her once IRL, didn’t like her one bit. Evil I tells ya, evil!
I do think that anyone who believes God takes sides in a football game is mishuggah.
I just might, Penny, I just might…
Hey Amber. Yup. She thought she was better than anyone else in the entire world. Go to be the most insane conversation I’ve ever had. And yes, if this girl goes on to write a blockbuster, good for her. But I do think we all pay our dues, one way or another.
I can’t believe that the girl thought that being a writer and getting published was just like slicing a piece of pie. I’m not a writer by no means but I could image that it would be very busy, tedious, and a lot of hard work. Like readers writer’s write because they have a deep passion for it. But what really amazes me is how the mother sent her your way and you barely even know her…. Well I think you handled it good. For people who think they know everything it’s better to just let them go on thinking so instead of arguing with them because it usually accomplishes nothing.
The woman that was in the hospital WOAH, I can’t believe she thought that she wasn’t going to die? I mean if God allowed his own son die on the cross for everyone what made her think that he wouldn’t allow her to die? You handled that situation really well too. If you hadn’t said it was real before I read it I would have thought it came out of a movie scene, show, or book lol.
Thanks for sharing.
Kayla
Hmmm. It’s nice to know that the delusional live among us and not just on the latest episode of American Idol. Good thing stupid isn’t contagious! At least I hope it isn’t. I’m just speechless - between someone who thinks they won’t ever die and the other who thinks she can just whip up a magical best-seller.
Scary.
No kidding, Casey! Talk about delusional! That woman was absolutely convinced she would not die - after years and years of studying (supposedly) Buddhism. I know enough about Buddhism to know that the religion is not filled with nonsense. Magical bestseller! Wouldn’t we all love one of those???
Kayla, both conversations were way up there on my weird-stuff-o-meter!
OMG this girl was 24? suddenly it makes sense why people would say to my friend and I ‘Wow, you’re so mature for 25!’. This was a while ago now, but I would scratch my head and think ‘Shouldn’t you have it together by 25?’ Apparently not… It’s quite common for newbies to not understand the publishing industry, but I think I was about 15 when I last thought the way this girl did. At 15, it’s probably exusable. 24, not so much…
I have nothing to say on the woman who thinks she couldn’t die. What else needs to be said? You are reinforcing my belief on what proportion of the population is stupid though.
Hi Ciara. Immature is as immature does, I guess. This is what happens when we shelter our kids tooooo much. There’s a fine line between protecting and isolating.
The weirdest thing about the woman? Harvard grad. Yikes!
No more pull with agents than you have with the angel of death….perfect analogy.
Funny post:) Enjoyed it.
Thanks Sandra, and yes, I have no pull with either!