Kiss me like you mean it…

So you think you know how to kiss? You don’t. I’m going to teach you.

Wait, why?

Because it’s necessary. Every guy should know how to kiss so he doesn’t send his date running to the liquor cabinet, uh, not for a drink, but to gargle with a double shot of whiskey. And so he can score another date.

According to Lena Dunham, writer, director and actor in HBO’s new raunchy, angsty comedy series, Girls, young men today learn how to kiss, etc., by watching porn. Uh, yeah. Well, it’s true porn is chic these days, but it’s also true that porn won’t teach you what a woman wants. Porn is an adolescent’s wet dream. Most women aren’t looking to date an adolescent.

Think subtle. Sex is subtle, sensual, there is tension between the two people involved, and context is everything. Sex taken out of context is a physical act, nothing more. Sex taken out of context is porn.

Learning the art of seduction is the secret to a good/great/engaging/satisfying sexual and emotional relationship. And I don’t mean wrapping yourself in Saran.

My husband has the technique down pat. This man hooked me from date one. He’s perfected his dating/kissing rules:

1. Don’t seem (be) too eager, i.e., don’t over-share. Let her talk. Hold up your end of the conversation, but she doesn’t need to hear your entire life story in one night. And vice versa.

2. Don’t spend too much money. Keep it casual. Keep it real. Hook up for coffee or a trip to the zoo. Take a bike ride. If you drop a shitload of money on the first date, despite what you’ve read about millionaire spanky playboys in 50 Shades, it puts pressure on us to reciprocate when we’re not ready and it might lead to future avoidance- unless we think we can take you for all you’re worth and it’s clear from the get-go what you’re really looking for is either arm candy or a one-night stand and you expect us to expect the same. ***In which case, feel free to shove tongue down throat and see how far you get. Nine times out of ten, probably not very far unless you really are a spanky millionaire playboy.

3. Don’t kiss on the first date. Give her a peck on the cheek- at the most!

4. Don’t call/text/email constantly. Set up the time/place for a second date and confirm once because, like, you are busy, you know… you have a life. You have things to do besides obsess about her.

5. On the second date, a mere brush of your lips against hers will suffice. No tongue.

6. Third date - if you’ve made it this far, kiss her like you mean it. I’m not giving you permission to shove your tongue down her throat. To kiss a woman like you mean it means this: Kiss her as if there is nothing on your mind but that kiss. Don’t be grabbing her breast or her crotch or her ass.

Do one of the following:

a. Slide a finger along her cheekbone as you lower your mouth to hers, lips slightly parted. Slant your mouth over hers and kiss her gently, then with increasing pressure. When she responds you may insert tongue - but again, no throat groping.

b. Alternative moves: One hand on each side of her face to hold her steady as you go in for the kiss or one hand along her jawline, the other cradles the back of her head beneath her hair- that’s a good one, my favorite.

And no matter what she wants or how bad you want it, that’s all you do. Leave her wanting more. Do I make myself clear? Anticipation is at the heart of a good seduction.

After the third date, it’s all up to the two of you. My job is done.

Where can you learn this stuff? I mean, aside from watching porn? While porn has its historic and lofty place in society, seduction is what most women are looking for, not porn.

1. Read Robert Heinlein’s Stranger In A Strange Land. You might be surprised how much you can learn from this book.

2. Read any of my books! Blatant self-promotion, I know, but I’m serious. Try Pushing Her Boundaries or Beauty and the Feast or Anytime Darlin’. Consider it a homework assignment.

3. Read well-written romances. I’m not joking. You can learn a lot about what women want from a good romance. Much of what’s published these days is straight up porn with a pretty cover. You won’t learn a thing. Try some of the older romances: Linda Howard’s Kill and Tell for the best seduction scene ever and then read two more books, Son of the Morning and After the Night. Check out Julie Garwood’s historicals. Hit a few of Karen Marie Moning’s books - especially The Immortal Highlander, The Dark Highlander and Spell of the Highlander. Other educational reads: The Wild Rose of Kilgannon by Kathleen Givens and for sci fi lovers, Jane’s Warlord by Angela Knight. Don’t be embarrassed. You can read them on your ereader and no one will be any the wiser.

You can kiss like you mean it, I know you can!