The best advice I can give you is this-

Don’t ask me for writing advice. I’m awful at giving advice regarding any aspect of the writing process aside from this - Go ask someone who knows something.

The one thing I know is that I know nothing.

I’ll totally talk to you as a friend and I’m happy to discuss my experiences and how they might relate to your question, but don’t ask me how to write or what to write - that’s on you.

Here’s what’s been happening a bunch lately. My mom calls:

“Julia… We had coffee with so and so and she’s such a nice person. You know she’s divorced now and her daughter won’t speak with her, but I think she and her husband are on pretty good terms. They still live together because they built that big mansion. And did I tell you her mother broke her collar bone? Such a nice lady. She’s from Omaha.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Who’s from Omaha?”

Mom- “Her mother. But she moved here five years ago to be near her daughter. And her niece is graduating from Harvard and she wants to be a writer so I told her all about you and she wants to meet you.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Whose niece?”

Mom- “So and so’s niece. Weren’t you listening?”

Me, totally suspicious, “I was trying to follow the story…”

Mom- “Well, she wants to meet you for coffee.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Who? So and so or the niece?”

Mom- “Well, I suppose the niece. But so and so might come too.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Why does she want to meet me?”

Mom- “Because you’re a writer.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Does she know what I write?”

I can hear my mother shrug through the phone. “I just told her you’re a published author and she wants to meet with you.”

Me, totally suspicious, “I don’t like so and so. Her last name gives me a headache”

Mom- “You’re so funny. She’s famous you know.”

Me, totally suspicious, “So and so or the niece?”

Mom- “So and so. Her movie won so many awards and do you know what she said?”

Me, totally suspicious, “No, mom, what did she say?”

Mom- “She said she can have any movie she wants. She’s been asked to direct a mainstream film. And she has so many men after her.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Ewwww. Does her last name give them headaches?”

Mom- “You crack me up. She’s famous now. She’s having lunch with everyone in Hollywood.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Who’s everyone?”

Mom- “All the big machers. They love her.”

Me, totally suspicious, “If she knows all the big machers and they love her and she’s so famous, why doesn’t she hook her niece up with someone? It’s her headache-inducing last name that’s getting in the way, isn’t it?”

Mom- “Oh, Julia, now you’re just being silly.”

Me, totally suspicious, “No seriously mom, her last name gives me a headache. It’s giving me a headache right now. If she’s having lunch with all the big machers in Hollywood how come she’s having coffee with you and dad?”

Mom- “Oh she likes your father. He makes her laugh.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Don’t leave him alone with her. This is a woman who still lives with her ex-husband while having sex with my ex-brother-in-law. I don’t want her around dad. Besides, her last name might give him a headache. I don’t care if my ex-brother-in-law gets a headache.”

Mom- “That’s not very nice. He can’t help how he is.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Sure he can. He tries to be a jerk.”

Mom- “No he doesn’t. That’s just how he is. You should meet the niece. I’m sure she’s a lovely girl.”

Me, totally suspicious, “His niece?”

Mom- “No, so and so’s niece.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Does the niece have the same last name as so and so? And by the way, I didn’t like her movie.”

Mom- “Whose movie?”

Me, totally suspicious, “So and so’s movie. It was pure propaganda and completely inaccurate.”

Mom- “But she won awards.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Because it was well-done sneaky pure propaganda.”

Mom- “Well what do I tell her? I already told her we’d have coffee with her when you come up next week.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Who? So and so or the niece?”

Mom- “Both.”

Me, totally suspicious, “Dang it, mom! The niece doesn’t want advice, she totally wants me to hook her up because she thinks I have a literary agent and a NY publisher. Tell her to ask her aunt to hook her up. She’d have more luck. And tell her to change her last name so she doesn’t give people headaches.”

It’s like that lady who I was introduced to at a party (who’s name I forgot the instant it was uttered because I only remember headache-inducing names) who immediately asked me to hook her college age daughter up with my publisher and/or literary agent (both nonexistent) because her daughter had this great idea for a story about a new college graduate (journalism major) going to work in the world of high fashion…

Uh… Yeah. I won’t even mention The Devil Wears Prada…

And I’m like… “Uh, you’re uber rich and you’re in the wine business and all your friends are uber rich and they’re in the wine business. Certainly one of them can connect her with someone who is much better positioned to give her advice than I am.” Because I am a schlepper compared to all of you and I don’t even know how the hell I got invited to this party in the first place. The minute people hear we don’t own a winery and live in a tract home in town they’re like…. “Grossssss… I have to go bleach my hands now…”

So the moral of the story is, oh fuck it, I forgot what the moral of the story is.

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