along with Sheldon Cooper and Khal Drogo, Gerard Butler is the most common search word/s leading to this blog.
Gerard Butler.
Funny. One might think it would be romance, but no… Gerard Butler, Sheldon Cooper and Khal Drogo - but that don’t bother me. Whatever gets you here is all good. Besides, Gerard is sexy as hell, Sheldon is funny as hell, and the Khal is kick ass as hell. I’m always willing to plug all three men.
Sheldon Cooper.
The Khal.
Well… Khal Drogo makes me think of pedicures and how I’m on a quest for dragons, uh, I mean the perfect pedicure, which is apparently as ephemeral as a dragon.
Listen up. This is important. A pedicure is a luxury and I won’t pretend otherwise. If I’m going to spend our hard-earned money for a luxury by god it better be worth it.
What is it I want? It’s not that hard. I want a relaxing pedicure. An hour to close my eyes and just chill. I don’t want pain, I don’t want any slicing and dicing, I don’t want to hear that your kid was just arrested for breaking into cars, or you just took out a restraining order against your husband, or you need to make enough money to have a gastric bypass. All I want is to be pampered- because gawd almighty I would kill for a good foot massage- and I crave down time. My life is busy. Let me repeat, my life is busy and if I decide to get a pedicure I’m paying for down time.
So far I’m in fail-mode. What I’ve tried~
Factory pedicures… you know, those drive-by mani-pedi places? A big huge massive Two Thumbs Down. The only time I gave one of these places a try, on a former friend’s recommend, the pedicurist sliced through my cuticle and sanded off the side of my big toe, drawing blood. I walked out mid-pedi. Yeah… nice. I worried for months about blood-borne pathogens.
Upscale spa pedicures… Yes, nice but over the top expensive. A couple years ago my daughters gifted me with a spa day which included not only the pedicure, but also the use of all the facilities as in a sauna, steam room, whirlpool and swimming pool - plus fruit, lemon water, tea. I love them for giving me this gift, but… Two thumbs up on the pedicure, two thumbs down on the expense. Besides I didn’t have either the time to use the facilities or any particular interest in sharing a sauna, steam room or whirlpool with strangers.
All I want is an hour - a relaxing hour away from myself.
So when I heard the pedicurist I’d met at the spa also worked at a local salon I followed her there. The pedicure was okay, as in one thumb up. She provided a much better experience at the spa where apparently she’d been instructed to keep her private life private and wear a short-sleeved lab-coat type professional jacket. Once she got me into the salon, OMG! I have never learned so much about a complete stranger in my life in addition to being forced to look at more cleavage than I’ve ever looked at because what the hell else are you going to look at when someone is bending over your feet and her body-hugging top is cut so low you’re waiting for her nipples to pop out? And in fact making bets with yourself as to the exact moment they’ll pop out.
Just when I was considering finding a new pedicurist, she clinched it by saying… “My brother got involved with some gangsters and now they’re after him and they called me and threatened me and said they’re gonna come and shoot me right here, in the salon.”
And I’m sitting in this raised pedestal seat facing the big floor-to- ceiling glass window which fronts the street while she’s bent over my feet. Now who do you suppose is gonna take the bullet?
Last time I ever saw her.
On to the next… Gives a fantastic, amazing, incredible, life-altering foot massage, when she remembers it’s supposed to be part of her service. I’m not exaggerating. Life-altering. However she often forgets because she’s so busy rambling on about her rotten parolee ex-husband, her struggling new husband, her messed up teenage son, her crazy sister, her deranged father, her financial problems, her weight, her bowel movements, and her chronic depression. I am not her best friend. I don’t even know her last name! I don’t know any of these people. I don’t want to know any of these people. This is big-time TMI! By the time I leave the salon, foot massage or no foot massage, I am so stressed I’m ready to start tossing back shots of tequila, and who gives a shit if it’s only 9 a.m.?
So I decided it was in my best interest to quit her.
I tested out a couple other salons, both were major sucky fails.
Yesterday I tried another spa pedicure, hoping to recreate my previous relaxing spa experience. One thumb up. The pedicure was acceptable. I enjoyed the parafin dip, it was sweet. But the chair was so bloody uncomfortable- held my back and neck at a weird angle- I developed a migraine headache which believe me should never happen during a pedicure. AND while most of the spa was spacious, deliciously scented, and empty, the pedicure area was tiny, smelled like acetone, and the two other clients there were loud blabbers. Blabber. Blabber. Blabber. With annoying voices. Which definitely didn’t help my headache.
And while I was in the middle of this pedicure, out of the blue my former pedicurist texts me… “So can you come back because I’m losing clients and I could use the money.” Okay, totally weird ESP-ish and I didn’t need the guilt trip. (I could tell her why she’s losing clients but ain’t gonna.)
And so my quest for the perfect pedicure continues. I’ll let you know if I ever find it. It’s kind of like seeking the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. The perfect pedicure remains elusive.
I’m with you. If I’m going to part with a large number of readies for pampering then I expect to be PAMPERED. I suggest a facial instead. They have to play relaxing zen music and they can’t talk at you. (Especially the sort of facial where you get the shoulder massage as part of the package. Nice.
I was thinking of that, Greta. I almost called my esthetician this week for an emergency facial so I could relax.
I’m right there with you…you deserved to be pampered. If I’m gonna spent hard earn money on a pedi, I want peace and quiet!
Thanks for the top three…I love all of them.
I love yoga so I’m always barefoot in front of somebody. I have to keep my pedicure nice, which means I have to do myself. I can’t stand sitting still in a acetone-fumes filled shop waiting for polish to dry. I just saw a beautiful or possibly creepy “dragon-eye” manicure and I’m dying to try it. I might paint each big toe like the eye of a dragon.
Oh Kat, do it! Or even paint the evil eye thing on your big toes. I wish I could do my own pedicure. Because of my left knee surgery I can’t keep that knee bent long enough- starts to hurt when I do it myself.
Yes, Amber. Peace and quiet.
You always make me laugh! Last time I went for a pedicure I went for the parafin thing and thought I was going to die. The heat made me feel like i couldn’t breathe and was about to pass out. I made the poor pedicurist take it off within two minutes of her putting it on. She looked at me like I was insane. Haven’t been back since.
I’m actually going to get a massage next week and I’m all stressed out about it. I’ve never been and don’t know what to expect. Silly or what?
Do I see and read the genesis of new murder mystery novel in this post? The Last Pedicure. Better even that Death By Chocolate. Or maybe you could combine the two…The Chocolate Pedicure. YUM. ….Maybe
I can at least get a good foot massage when I get a full massage. Of course the drawback is no Neon Pink toenails.
Yep, the last one I had…sliced a mole on my foot, cut cuticles…no conversation because none of them speak English. I was thinking I would try it again if I could just find someone that spoke English, but maybe not…
I’ve heard of a podiatrist’s office that also has a pedicure salon for diabetics. I think I might go there for Mother’s Day. Best of luck in your quest!
Great idea, Anny! Nothing worse than the sight of your own blood during a pedicure!
Oooh, great suggestion, Roberta! I love that - The Last Pedicure! Now I have to ponder this…
Yeah, Charlee - the parafin thing is weird. This is only the second time I’ve experienced a parafin dip and I did better this time. This pedicurist didn’t suffocate my feet. Not silly about a massage. I don’t much like them because most are too rough for me. But my mother loves to get a massage.
In my experience, Julia, you can have either a great pedicure OR an amazing foot massage…but not both, at least not at the same place.
Field Trip! time to Glenwood Springs, CO, where you’ll relax in an Olympic-size outdoor, naturally heated swimming pool that steams the mountain air even when it’s snowing and blowing around you!
Then steam yourself in one of the underground (but softly lighted) hot-rock caverns.
AND then finish up with 30 min. of amazing massages on your feet, ankles and calves.
Truly outstanding!
Go somewhere else for a pedicure…
Now that is a plan, Marylin! I’ve been to Glenwood Springs - many times when I lived in Iowa. Colorado was our vacation destination. Yes, all I need is a foot massage, screw the pedicure!
Ah, search for the perfect pedicure. I think I’m due for one as well. I’ve been staying away as I was told by a podiatrist that he sees people who’ve been to some and have picked up a fungus. Yuk!!! I guess it depends on where you go. I would hope they’re all paying attention.
Yes, Diana, I agree - bad fungus out there! I make sure they disinfect everything and use new tools with me. But you know, I think I’ll take Marylin’s suggestion and just go for a foot massage and maybe do my own toes.
when you mentioned the eye popping view of the cleavage I was hoping for the address too, but the rest of the story sort put me off, oh, hang on been shot before so getting it again while having a pedicure massage would be no big deal I suppose, especially if the view is so good …..
Bless LMAO this really was a hilarious post at your expense so well done for sharing your miserable experiences
xxxxx
PS: When Ishbel and I had our massages last month the only thing we heard from the lovely ladies was, is that OK or I’m not applying to much pressure am I, they were great
PPS (I knew what the second one PS was when I cam back but I’ve forgotten , no I remember - The Khal was much better in Stargate Atlantis, couldn’t see the point of him in what was it gaame of thrones?
Speaking of cleavage… I sent ‘Oscar’ to have a pedicure with her. He loved it. Of course! Ishbel would have hated it. Next I need to find the perfect massage!
Blame the author, George R.R. Martin. The Khal is a great character who is offed too soon.
Ahh, its a good quest to be on.
My complaint: where I went, English was a secondary language, so the technicians would start talking and laughing amongst themselves in a different language.
It was off putting. I stopped going.
I’m glad I haven’t had a pedicure. It’s hard enough to sit still for a manicure. I’m trying to do my own nails. Ha!
Oh I had that happen too, Sandra. One time deal for me.
I’ve never had a manicure, Stephanie. I think I’ll try one. I actually hate polish on my fingernails because I feel as if I’m suffocating. Like wearing pantyhose or something.