Either the bad juju continues or I’m channeling Mia Watt’s.
So here I am minding my own business, on assignment in San Fran, when I’m attacked by a homeless woman.
Let me start at the beginning…
I had to go into the city today because even though I’m sick, I promised my daughter I’d go to a Trunk Show. It’s like this, my oldest daughter is getting married next year and when she was here a couple weeks ago, she and her sister went into the city to a designer bridal boutique where they were told that the designer would be in town for two days and two days only in September to showcase his Mother of the Bride dresses. Normally they don’t carry his Mother of the Bride dresses, only his wedding gowns. So, being the good little mother that I am, I made the mandatory appointment to meet with the designer and his staff and check out his Mother of the Bride dresses. Now this is important…pay attention…my daughters made me do this because:
a. I hate dresses.
b. I don’t own any dresses.
c. I don’t buy dresses and
d. I don’t wear dresses.
So, I hauled myself out of my sickbed, took some Tylenol, jumped in the shower and headed down to catch the Vallejo ferry to San Fran only to find that the Vallejo ferry building is being remodeled, there is only one ticket kiosk open, and even though I’m twenty-five minutes early and usually the Ferry is empty as a tomb on Saturdays - even when the Giants are playing in town - today every single person living south of the Oregon border woke up and decided to take the ferry into San Fran. OMFG. I made it onto the ferry with 30 seconds to spare and thank god I did because I was in no condition to drive to the city.
We arrived at the Ferry Building in San Francisco - which, as any of you living in the Bay Area know, is a zoo on Farmer’s Market day - an amazing zoo, but a zoo nonetheless. But, pushing my way through the crowd, I stop to check out the produce and I decide if I get back in time, I’ll buy sweet corn, red carrots and purple okra. In that order. Oh, and some jujubes - ANYBODY WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT A JUJUBE IS WINS ALL FOUR DAUGHTERS OF PERSEPHONE BOOKS.
I cross the Embarcadero and thread my way past the craft vendors when all of a sudden, I see IT. A necklace calls to me and I glance up at the sign on the booth - good juju necklaces $30 - oh man, I have to have it. The vendor and bead-worker (?) beadist (?) is a sweet guy from Rwanda with a soothing accent. He and I talk for a while, and I figure if he can survive Rwanda, his necklaces definitely have good juju. He puts this gorgeous piece of hand-beaded jewelry in a little bag for me and I stick it in my purse - I don’t put it on because I know I’ll just have to take it off at the Trunk Show.
I find the bridal place with only a few wrong turns and I sit and watch the tableau - it’s fascinating. First of all, the designer is this great Latin guy who speaks Ladino. IF ANYBODY CAN TELL ME WHAT LADINO IS, YOU WIN A COPY OF BEAUTY AND THE FEAST. How do I know he speaks Ladino? Because there’s a whole family speaking Ladino meeting with him right before me and I listen in. And she - the bride - is getting married in Croatia. Croatia? And I’m looking at the mother of the bride and the short dress she likes and I think…If she’s brave enough to put that sucker on, then for sure I can try something on…maybe they have a plain paper bag in my size. Why am I schooching toward the door? Omg, he sees me scooching toward the door! He’s coming this way and he’s really cute and perfect and I hope gay.
Why do I hope this designer is gay? Because if he’s gay, and this is most important, his fashion sense will be a bazillion times better than mine. But also because if he’s gay, he won’t look at me and say, Eww! He’ll look at me and think, How can I make this look good?
Let me tell you, until you’ve gone to a Trunk Show and had a gay designer and his staff squeeze you into size 6 dresses, all with built-in corsets (that one’s for you, Kat!) you haven’t lived. Now I know what you’re thinking…you’re remembering the snarky line from The Devil Wears Prada - “Six is the new fourteen…” Who the fuck cares? Not only did he make me feel beautiful, I looked at myself in the dress he chose for me - and in my own eyes I looked beautiful. It’s like a dress Sigourney Weaver wore once to the Academy Awards, only mine is better - it’s sort of a sapphire blue with touches of opal, off the shoulder and so flow-y. I can’t wait to wear it with my cowboy boots! I get it in two months - he’s making one just for me. My designer measured me. Shucks…
So happy good juju me, strolling back to the Ferry Building, feeling pretty damn perky despite being sick, with plenty of time left to shop for produce and maybe grab a late lunch. I’m thinking - Hey, girl, let’s get out the necklace and put it on! Sure! Why not? Just as I reach into my purse, somebody grabs me by the shirt and yanks me backwards, screaming right next to my ear…CUNT SLUT DYKE CUNT SLUT DYKE! I spin around, ripping my shirt from a dirty hand, and there’s this homeless crazy woman with Satan eyes trying to grab me and she’s getting ready to spit on me. Oh hell no - nobody spits on me. I don’t know where her spit’s been. I shove her backwards and she falls on her ass and spits at me anyway - I jump to the side. She misses so she aims for me again. I take off, looking for a cop and I find one a block away. I tell him what happened to me.
He says, “I saw that woman and I was wondering if I should keep an eye on her. Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Are you shaken up?”
“No, not really.” (because her demon-spawned saliva missed me)
“Is she still back there?” He’s looking over my shoulder.
“No, she vanished into the crowd.”
“Do you want to file a complaint?”
“Will it do any good? Will it get her any help?”
He shakes his head.
“Then no. What’s the point?”
He tells me he’ll be on the look out for her. I thank him and find a place out of the way. I pull the necklace from my purse and stare at it for a few moments - after checking to make certain crazy lady is nowhere in sight. Is the necklace good juju or bad juju? Did she try to stop me from putting it on because it’s good juju? Or did she attack me because the necklace attracts bad juju? Or am I an idiot for even wondering?
Okay. I am the decider. I put the necklace on. I buy my ears of corn, the last bunch of red carrots and the last two pints of purple okra. I get a half-bag of jujubes. I wander to the back of the Ferry Building and the guy from the Hog Island Oyster Company treats me to two freshly shucked raw oysters with mignonette sauce just before they pack everything away. I head back to the front, knowing I have over an hour to kill, when I realize it’s two minutes before the bus back to Vallejo leaves. It will get me home an hour and ten minutes earlier than the ferry. I go for it. Easy peasy.
You tell me…good juju or bad juju? Wear the necklace or don’t wear the necklace? And why am I living Mia Watt’s life? These things only happen to her!
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September 25th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I think the necklace is good Juju! The day went well, you looked great in the dream dress, you got the last red carrots (yum!), the sweet cop looked after you, every thing lovely and important to your future went beautifully.
Look at it this way… being sick may have lowered your psychic defenses enough to allow the crazy woman to get close BUT you may also have dissipated her anger just enough that she doesn’t hurt herself or someone else, worse. After you spoke to the policeman about her attack he had cause to intervene. I’m sure she needs help. I think you did a good deed.
XXOO Kat
September 25th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Jujubes are candy, chewy candy.
Also, that is totally something that would happen to me! OMG! You were so channeling and thank God I didn’t get the crazy lady. She wouldn’t have missed and I’d be wearing homeless mean-lady spit. Plus I’d be all befuddled and confused, looking for the meaning behind the insanity. Of course, there isn’t any. LOL.
Good Juju. Lady was jealous.
Love you!
September 25th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Yes, Kat, overall the day did go well. Hubby asked if I was scared, if I worried that she’d stick a knife in me or something, but to tell you the truth, it didn’t occur to me until I got away from her. I was more worried about getting spit on!
Mia - Wrong! Jujubes are not candy! Right! This stuff happens to you, not me! I would protect you, I swear it! Nobody spits on my Mia!
September 26th, 2010 at 3:57 am
JUJUBE is a fruit like a chinese apple. My former MIL is Korean so I had them before, though if I hadn’t my first instinct would be to say the candy!
Anyway, wear the necklace. The man made it out of Rwanda it’s good juju.
Love ya Mia. P.S. you can visit me anytime too.
I’m so glad you found a dress for the wedding. I’m sure you’ll look absolutely gorgeous.
As for Mia, she did visit so maybe some of her craziness stuck around.
Hugs All!
September 26th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Yes, Amber, exactly. A jujube is a red date or Chinese date that tastes like a cross between an apple and a date. It’s round and crunchy and roughly the size of a large olive - red-brown in color and just delightful.
And also yes, apparently Mia brings her own crazies with her and leaves them as parting gifts!
September 26th, 2010 at 8:25 am
What Mia said, jujubes are chewy candy that are addicting but tend to get stuck in the teeth. Mandatory dental floss is required. I was cackling with laughter reading this post (despite the fact you are under the weather - sorry to hear that). I would say good juju because you found a dress that looks stunning on you and you escaped the crazy spit hurling homeless woman (yikes).
Thanks for your note on my blog the other day, I’m going to download one of your books to read.
Feel better!
September 26th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Lea - Thank you! How’s your puppy? I hope tomorrow goes all right - Tori will just need lots of love and care after. We went through this with our golden retriever 14 years ago. Even after her cast came off, she preferred to walk on three legs so I had to hold up the good leg and make her put weight on the bad leg. She got all better!
You and Mia! Real jujubes are not the candy! Hardly anyone knows what they are!
September 26th, 2010 at 8:33 am
Eeek, Julia! I say wear the necklace, and congrats on finding a fabulous dress! And wow, what a life!
September 26th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Thanks, Fedora! Yes, wear the necklace. Yes, mi loca vida.
September 26th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Gotta be good juju or the “spit” would’ve scored a direct hit. I’d keep that necklace on until WELL AFTER the wedding! Good luck.
September 26th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Yes, you are indeed channelling Mia… hey, homeless people approach her everywhere. I spend an hour with her in the airport, and a guy comes up to us… he’s homeless, needs everything.
Now Mia is a sweetheart and I love her to death, but yeah, crazy is as crazy does around her…sorry honey, but you know it’s true.
Oh, and Ladino is a Jewish hybrid language also known as Judeo-Spanish. Apparently there are two forms or it, but hey, no one really needs to know that. The fact that you’d know it was Ladino and not Yiddish or something else… yeah makes us all wonder. I’d just be like… hey, they aren’t speaking English…
Wear the necklace… definitely good juju…
oh, and I agree with Mia… jujubes are candy. That healthy fruit thing… so not right.
September 26th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Wear it. At the very least you’ll end up with more material to write about! Oooh, and congrats on the dress. I can’t imagine ever owning a custom made designer one!
September 26th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Mia-
Ladino is a Jewish dialect based on Spanish, similar to the way Yiddish is based on German. It’s spoken in Sephardic Jewish communities in southern Europe and the Mediterranean.
Wear the necklace. On balance, the day was really positive: you made the ferry, found the veggies, found a beautiful piece of jewelry, a dress that you love, the crazy lady missed you, the veggies you wanted were still there when you ot back, and you caught the bus and got home early. Even if the necklace doesn’t have good-juju, it’s a reminder of a terrific day that should bring smiles when you need them.
Cait
Cait
September 26th, 2010 at 10:18 am
oops-I meant Julia, not Mia. Sigh. It’s Sunday morning, and I’m still on my first cuppa.
Cait
September 26th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Hi Julia,
Definitely wear the necklace. Jujube is a fruit that looks like a date and tastes like an apple.
September 26th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Maeve, in retrospect, that’s what I thought - the spit would have hit!
Kris - yeah, baby! You know your Ladino!
Cindy - it’s a Trunk Show - if you’re willing to commit, you get a huge discount and then your kid gets a discount on her wedding dress - and they comp the fitting/adjustments needed - that’s why I was instructed to go no matter what!
Cait - yeah, see…I’m channeling Mia! Yes, on the whole, positive. I didn’t expect the veggies I wanted to be there and I love raw oysters so it was pretty cool not to have to pay $2 a pop for those babies!
September 26th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Yeah, Cathy! It’s my new favorite weird fruit!
September 26th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Wow! What a mixed day, Julia! Your dress sounds magnificent and so does your necklace.
So sad about the homeless woman - sad and dangerous.
September 26th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Ah, Cathy.
Jujubes= red dates. Or, if you are a sugar fiend, a type of candy, usually fruit flavored.
I loved your story.
September 26th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Thanks, Lindsay! Very sad, I agree and I’m glad my mom wasn’t with me because she would have fallen down.
Kelly - thanks for stopping by! Yep! Red dates!
September 26th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
LOL! Ladino jujubes. I would have said speaking Spanish with a head cold and eating those cute little gummy theater candies that are usually as tough as leather and barely taste like fruit. Goes to show yo0ui how widely educated I am. Snort!
September 26th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Julia,
Loved your story. A jujube is a red date, sometimes called a Chinese date. And Ladino is Jewish/Spanish language combination. I believe it is primarily spoken by Israelis. Good questions, by the way.
Pepper
September 26th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Fran - LMAO! Go check your book on mobi-pocket!
Pepper - Thanks! Right on both counts! You, and everyone else who guessed right will be hearing from me tomorrow!
September 26th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
You have more interesting stories than anyone I know.
I vote for good juju
September 26th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Thank you, Sandra. My life just gets a little nuts.
September 27th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
I agree with Sandra. Maybe nothing of interest happens to me because I am home working on my computer all day long!