Hubby’s kinda worried about me, but I’m fine. I’m better today. He reminded me that I have a tendency to open my mouth and insert my foot - to speak out of turn, open doors that are supposed to remain closed.
He’s so right. I do. I love my parents - I’ve come to terms with who they are and what I am - what’s past is past. The thing with me is this, I’m not like most people. I don’t have any connections to my past or my youth, aside from my husband, my immediate family and one cousin.
Only two people, other than the above, linked me to my past - and now they’re both dead, both gone before their time, both absent before I could prepare myself for their absence. I feel rootless and disconnected from myself. I loved the very fact of their existence, even if they weren’t here in the flesh in my day to day life. Now I can’t say, oh, I’ll see them tomorrow, or next month or someday soon.
I think this is why I fell apart yesterday. Chinua Achebe…Things Fall Apart.
I’m so sorry for blubbering and blathering. I’ll get over myself quickly. Your wonderful and kind words mean so much to me. Thanks.
Hugs!
Blessings…
I think we were definitely separated at birth.
I can only speak in terms of my own experience.
I have no connections to my past other than my husband (who helped me escape the past), mom, sisters and one friend met on the first day of college. He is my oldest continuous friend and his wfe is my second oldest. Everyday I know I am lucky that he is alive because he has CF and he is maybe 57 now. That’s why when we go out that way we visit them where the climate is so much better for him. That and he is ridiculously funny. But, you know we don’t see each other much, obviously, or even phone yak. But when we do it is as if no time has passed at all.
We always assumed his time would come before mine - he sure did as he was always told he had little time but knock on wood the doctors have such amazing therapies now and he does a lot of trials. They are talking about downsizing to a condo;. Who’d have thought that in Sept. of 1977 . He is my miracle man.
I am so sorry, I know you wrote about your friend passing last year when your father was visiting you. And you have every right and permission to break down when something awful happens. You aren’t a robot. And, your friends, online and in real time love and appreciate you.
And, older friend of mine from my old gym - the Y- died somewhat suddely after a year of failing health. I couldn’t stop crying at her memorial; I apologized for it and an acquaintance of mine stopped me and said there was plenty to cry about and no reason to be sorry for it. I tell you the same thing now. My RX: Get a box of tissue and cry or fall apart as needed.
I’m not trying to sound clever but… It doesn’t sound like you fell apart so much as came together. You saw it clearly.
XXOO Kat
But you do sound clever, Kat! I did fall apart. I am back together now.
Yeah, Steph, I think we have a lot in common - Kat does too, so do a bunch of very creative, thoughtful, intelligent people I’ve met in recent years. We have very unusual histories. I’m glad your friend is still with you. I hope he sticks around for a good long while.
I don’t use tissues - bury my face in the dog’s neck. That’s what dogs are for. The cats won’t hold still!
Thanks, Anny - and I hope your loved ones feel better soon. Have a safe trip.
Thanks, Cindy! You’re sweet and appreciated.
Never apologize for being human, having a heart, and feeling deeply. It is what makes you special. Hugs.
Thanks for the kind words, Charlie.
Roots and wings right….it’s hard not to fall a little when the roots are gone before you remember the wings and get steady again! Thinking of you.
Thanks so much, Bev. Means a lot.