Show Me Yer Winkie, Wee Willie.

“I’ll run ye through, Cap’n, if ye’ll not stand aside and let me at ‘er.”

While counting down the minutes until she could time shift, Virginia Marybelle Papercut wondered if One-Eyed Pete possessed the cojones to do the dirty deed, not that it would be all that hard to run the youth through. Other than poking One-Eyed Pete in his good eye with the feather, Captain Rodger Many didn’t seem capable of mustering any serious defense. Now One-Armed Jack, on the other hand, seemed perfectly capable of wielding the mighty cutlass hanging at his side with only the one hand. In point of fact, that sizable bulge beneath his codpiece indicated he had two mighty swords at his disposal. How interesting.

Hmmmm. Wonder if I could convince him to bathe… Come to think of it, he doesn’t smell rank like the rest of them.

While the men postured, waving knives and cutlasses about, she backed closer to the first mate. A snapping sensation in her temple told her the time shift was about to activate. Yes! Virginia Marybelle Papercut closed her eyes and prepared to shift.

But nothing happened.

The implant’s shorted out. From Virginia Marybelle Papercut’s mouth burst the following expletive, “Da&n mother fu@#$%^ coc*suck$#% piece of@#$% ass#$%!”

She opened her eyes to find the entire crew staring at her, mouths agape in astonishment.

One-Eyed Pete cleared his throat. “Fer a maiden, ye surely do curse as well as any whore. Mayhap a sight better.”

The men, including Captain Rodger Many, nodded their cautious agreement. Much discussion then ensued regarding various curses the pirate crew had heard women utter.

Meanwhile, Virginia Marybelle hit the reset button embedded beneath the skin on the back of her neck. Ten more minutes. Bloody hell.

One-Eyed Pete patted her shoulder in a friendly fashion. ”Yer curses be the best, me thinks. A wench with such a mouth will know what to do with me one-eyed snake then.” He shoved his codpiece aside to show it off, waving it in triumph at the crew. Gagging at the sight of his puny, unwashed member, Virginia Marybelle prayed he wouldn’t wave it in her face. Just to be safe, she clamped her lips together and clenched her jaws.

“Mmm-mmm.” She shook her head. The timer buried in her brain clicked off the seconds. Faster, go faster…

“Nay, ye scurvy sea scum, I be first.” It was Captain Rodger Many again, shoving One-Eyed Pete out of the way as he made haste to unlace his own trousers.

The crew gathered around, cheering, as they began to remove their clothing, dropping unnecessary items onto the deck.

“Shit, I’m in for it now.” Virginia Marybelle swallowed hard and hid behind One-Armed Jack. She prepared for the onslaught. Quickly she took stock of her orifices and appendages, wondering how many she would be forced to do at a time.

If I don’t use my feet and they stay out of my ears, it’s five, five filthy pirates at one time.

Perhaps it won’t be as bad as I think. I mean, I have maybe seven minutes left at the most and I can get a really big dose of antibiotics when I get back home and some corrective surgery if necessary. And if they haven’t seen a woman in a year they aren’t likely to last long.

But what about my damn beach vacation? I paid a fortune for this time travel implant.

“Wait,” she called from behind One-Armed Jack, holding up a hand. “Wait. I declare a contest for the favor of my maidenhood, a manly contest. I swear to give myself freely to the winner of the contest. The man among you with the largest, um, cod, shall have me first.”

“Tis no fair, I fished ye out o’ the sea,” whined One-Eyed Pete.

Virginia Marybelle gave his member an appraising look. He withered beneath her gaze. She sighed. “Not to worry, One-Eyed Pete, I’ve already seen that your member is quite impressive.” She gave him a wink and a nod. “You’re first on my list.”

He puffed out his chest and held up his one-eyed snake with pride.

“Well?” Virginia Marybelle stepped forward and called out, her voice echoing over the deck. “Let’s see ‘em.” She heard a snicker from One-Armed Jack, but she refused to turn and look at him. “Line up. Whip ‘em out and we’ll see how you measure up to One-Eyed Pete’s enormous one-eyed snake.”

Captain Rodger Many gaped at her.

“Yes, Captain, even you.”

“Aye,” the men called out. “Even Cap’n Many must show ‘is. Even the cap’n.”

“Tis undignified for a captain to play such a game. Ye may have the wench. I have no wish to share a common harlot with ye, for I declare upon my life she be no maiden.”

Virginia Marybelle rolled her eyes. Like they care.

A cheer rose from the men as Captain Rodger Many smoothed the feather in his cap and retired below decks to his quarters. “He ‘as a wee willie winkie,” whispered One-Eyed Pete. “Ye would no’ want ‘im in any case as ‘is cherry ain’t been broke.”

“I figured as much,” whispered Virginia Marybelle.

“Mine be the biggest by far.” The man nodded happily.

Virginia Marybelle sashayed down the row, complimenting a man here on his length or width, tsk-tsking at a man there for his lack of substance.

“I canno’ get stiff,” a man mumbled as she walked by. “Me nerves is frayed at such a test, ye understand.”

Virginia Marybelle shook her head as his fellows laughed at him and called him names. “Big John is no’ so big,” they said.

At last she stood before One-Armed Jack. Crossing her arms, lifting an eyebrow, hearing the timer tick it’s way toward zero, she asked, “And you, sir? Have you nothing to show me? I don’t see your cod on display.” His cod was the only one she really did want to see.

“He don’t ‘ave one,” said One-Eyed Pete in a loud voice. “T’was blowed off in a duel.” The men behind him murmured in agreement.

“Oh? Is that so? Didn’t feel that way to me.” Virginia Marybelle tapped an impatient foot in time to the ticking of the internal timer. Just as One-Arm Jack grabbed her arm, she heard the tell-tale click. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the usual nausea associated with time travel.

The hard deck beneath her feet vanished. Virginia Marybelle Papercut thanked her lucky stars. She’d managed to escape a pirate gang bang by the skin of her teeth.

When her feet touched soft, warm, sugar sand, Virginia Marybelle sighed with relief.

“T’was not me cod what got blowed off, t’was me arm. Me cod’s right ‘ere where it oughta be. And it’s the biggest of ‘em all. Would ye like to see?”

Virginia Marybelle’s eyes flew open. One-Armed Jack stood beside her, grinning like the rake he was.

“Oh yes.” Her voice came out all breathy. “I should very much like to see, One-Armed Jack.”

And so she did. It was a long, thick, wide, hard and memorable vacation, and it seemed to last forever.

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