My daughter and I had a discussion about young adults today, how young adults in their 20′s aren’t really doing anything. Well, they are doing some things, but mostly those things have to do with, well, with stuff.
My daughter recently read this book - The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter- And How To Make The Most Of Them Now.
“Our “thirty-is-the-new-twenty” culture tells us the twentysomething years don’t matter. Some say they are a second adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood.
“Drawing from a decade of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings themselves. The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties, and shows us how work, relationships, personality, social networks, identity, and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood-if we use the time wisely.”
So I think this about that. If our children remain children long into their twenties, we did that. How did we do that? Well, I’m going to tell you.
I did some really bad shit at a really young age. Not blaming anybody, not getting into details, just sayin’…
I wanted my children to experience an actual childhood. I wanted them to have fun, play, feel supported and protected and secure. Just be kids being kids. I mean, I wanted a lot for my kids, I wanted so much I can’t even begin to describe what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want.
I didn’t want them to experience the kind of childhood and adolescence I had. So in a very real sense, I rebelled against my own upbringing and raised them in a reactionary fashion.
I protected them from all that really bad shit. They did find ways to get into trouble all on their own, but that’s another story.
Anyway, my daughter says the book made so much sense to her that she’s re-evaluating her choices. Interesting… She’s also sending the book to her sister. Yee-haw!
Yes Julia, I did the same thing with my kids. I plan to take a different direction with this baby. The world we live in now is just to dangerous not to. I’m going to buy this book and send it to my daughter. Thanks for sharing.
The book sounds interesting. Mine still have a way to come, but I’m still struggling with things that I did when I was younger, that make me shudder thinking of my own children doing the same. Just gonna try to give my kids the freedom they need to grow without suffocating them. By thirty I want them to be confident adults who know what their place in this world is and are content and happy.
We all over-protect our children. Which is why I was sort of appalled by the cover of Time magazine, which discussed “attachment” parenting. I think we should be doing the opposite….helping our kids to be LESS attached to us, learn to be more independent, confident in their own abilities. And I’m an adoptive parent…my kids are secure with me and their place in our family. Now they need to learn to be their own trouble-shooters, their own individuals.
I remember when 18 was the magic number. It meant adulthood, freedom, being on my own, making my own choices. I didn’t want to be a kid. Being a kid was for, you know, kids.
Part of what I see in many young people is a lot of squawking about “rights” and “freedoms.” They feel entitled, as if magic fairies are going to haul their cute butts out of every fire. Excuse me, RESPONSIBILITY comes first. I’m not really a hard ass, but I am sort of. I don’t protect my kids from their responsibilities. I respect their right to make bad choices. They respect my right to say, “Wow, what are YOU going to do about that?”
This is such a good post! Human beings do seem to thrive on a perfect balance of external pressures and positive risk taking (ie getting outside the comfort zone) If they are spared those essential elements they don’t flourish.
XXOO Kat
I’m facing this issue right now with my oldest son (who is 18). He seems content to just live with us and be home all the time. I don’t get it. When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to be away from my parents. It’s not all his fault. He’s been trying to find a job (which is nearly impossible since all the jobs that once went to teens are now going to laid off adults). And he will be going to school in the fall, but still - I wonder! I’m happy he’s not out partying or getting into trouble. Maybe it’s just his personality because my 16 year old is already planning on his career and telling me he’s not going to be a “bum”.
This sounds like something I must pick up. I’m in crisis mode with my 20-year-old right now. I know I babied him too much because I divorced his very absent dad when he was just out of kindergarten and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass this year. He’s in school, out of school, doesn’t know what he wants to do, always expects Mom to bail him out. I think I’m developing an ulcer.
Sixteen was my magic number. Driver’s license, car, ear piercings, supposedly supervised travels to Mexico, New York, Washington D.C. I would not want to be sixteen again, unless I could know then what I know now.
Age is more than a number, and experience should be more than a roll of the dice.
“Too soon we grow old, too late we grow wise.” ~ Pennsylvania Dutch truism
Marilyn, interesting proverb. And philosophy. I agree, I would be sixteen again, but better I should know what I know now!
Hi Barbara. I did the same thing. For a time it was just me and my son. Boys take a little longer. My son is figuring things out. Yes, ulcers come with motherhood.
I know, Casey. I was out of the house at 17 and barely there before that. Things are quite different now and I agree, jobs are almost impossible to find. Whoever says the economy is improving is full of shit. New college grads have few jobs to choose from as well which is one of the reasons they are traveling or volunteering or on mom and dad’s couch.
I know, Kat, we need both but not too much of either. I took so many risks that I was terrified my kids would do the same. They didn’t and they did - took risks of their own. Not on my scale, thank god!
This is why I love you, Jaye. You’d smack me down if I needed it. I can be tough, but it is so hard for me to put on that toughness when it comes to my children. However, I do believe in letting children fall down so they can pick themselves up again.
Yes, Penny, I agree, but I am a big proponent of breast feeding. However, I must say my philosophy has always been - if you can get yourself dressed, you can drink out of a cup! If you can ask to nurse, you can drink out of a cup! Breast feeding until the age of four is critical in countries lacking the proper sanitation.
I know, Delilah. I didn’t want my kids to experience what I experienced and I have been a very protective mother. But they are nice people so… it works, I hope!
I want to read the book too, Amber. I guess it’s a really quick read.
Sigh. I encouraged mine to leave home as soon as possible. They were all gone by the time they turned twenty-one. All had jobs by the time they were eighteen. Most didn’t want to exactly live according to “Mom’s Rules”. All of them are on their own and have been for years.
I married and left home at eighteen. In my family that was the norm. By thirty I had four children, a job, and was going to college. I’m not sure I would have changed any of it. I have to say I didn’t offer my kids much of a cushion…
1970s and 1980s doing bad shit was safer. I did some major bad shit.
You got that right, Steph. Much safer! I know, you were bad. This explains the love of vampires.
It was the norm then, Anny. Not so much when I was growing up but I left anyway. So tough love works, huh?
An over-protective upbringing can have negative consequences. If you raise your kids in a too clean environment their immune systems don’t develop properly and they have a greater tendency for allergies and asthma. I guess what I am saying is exposure to some dirt along the way can be a very good thing.
It’s true, Yoshi. Nobody can accuse me of keeping an overly clean house, but I do like to smooth the way for my kids.
I can so relate with your child rearing instincts, Julia.