The Intro… My appointment is for 8:45 a.m., the cast clinic is 40 minutes away, and puppy camp does’t open until 8:00 a.m. I had hit the wall. If I didn’t get the cast off, well, let’s just say hubby’s power saw and I had come to an arrangement…
Verse… Jake and I arrive at puppy camp at 8:04 a.m. I try to hand him over and hobble out the door but the camp counselor wants to discuss Jake’s upsetting experience with his first professional grooming the day before. He piddled.
Chorus… Later! Later! Later!
Verse… The race out of town, hoping all the lights are in my favor while watching for police cars and passing slow RVs. Thanking the gods above that my grandfather was a stunt car/motorcycle driver who taught my father to drive who taught me.
Chorus… Push it! Push it! Push it!
Verse… Hit the highway and wish the speed limit was 70 mph so I could go 90. Hoping nobody will catch me going 85. Hey buddy, if you wanna go 75, move your ass over! Whoa, swerve around that slow car. Run that yellow light. Watch out for that merging semi! Avoid being Hathawayed at all costs. Thank god there is only one cop in this little podunk town I have to pass through and he’s always hanging out around the Starbucks. And there he is!
Chorus… Psych! Psych! Psych!
Verse… Make it to the clinic with 5 minutes to spare only to find every single parking space in every single lot taken and a 20 minute wait for a space in the parking garage. Hyperventilation beginning. What if I’m late and he refuses to take the cast off?
Chorus… Shit! Shit! Shit!
Verse… Search for a space in the nearby neighborhood, which is very dangerous, full of drug dealers- I should know, I have patients there. Find a parking place half a mile from the Clinic. It is now precisely 8:45 a.m. Would have been cast removal time!
Chorus… Ru-u-u-u-u-u-n!
Verse… Half-mile. Half-mile. Oh yes, half-mile. Hobble as fast as I can because if I’m more than 15 minutes late they may give my appointment away. Anybody messes with me is getting a cast in the crotch. Nothing can stop me. Nothing.
Bridge… I’m coming… Wait!
Verse… No other patients in the clinic because no one can find a place to park. Cast techs hoping for something to do… What could that be? Oh! Me! Yes, pick me! Pick me! New cast tech takes me to the back room and tries to saw off cast with tiny power saw. Cast breaks power saw. “Who the hell put on this cast? I’ve never seen such a thick cast.” I point my index finger right at the culprit - “He did.” The culprit gives me a smug smile. Cast tech gets another saw, saws through the cast, tries the cast-splitter. No dice. Has to use the saw again.
Second Bridge… Hang on, that’s my ankle bone you’re sawing!
Verse…. Cast removed. Ah, fresh air! Dang, I need to shave that sucker! And get an emergency pedi. The doctor comes in for the examination. Says, “Looks like it’s mending. Let’s put you in this gigantic tight wrap for another few weeks…”
Whiny Chorus… Nooooooooooooo!
Verse… Everybody laughs and I put on the shoes I brought before anyone can do anything else to me. I stand up and fall over, grab for the wall. My left ankle has become a dead fish. Won’t hold me up. Sadistic cast tech- “You want us to get you a walker?” Smirk.
Chorus… Efff off. Efff off. Efff off.
Verse… Suck it up and walk the half-mile to the car. Just suck it up and walk.
Chorus… Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Don’t fall.
My ankle will never look the same but by god I got my pedicure.
And a very pretty pedi, but I hope you’re okay!
FREEDOM! (shouted in my best Scottish brogue)
What a lovely foot you have, fair Julia! I’m glad the cast is off. But I have to say I was white knuckling your car ride there! I had to read it between my fingers.
Excellent! I’m so happy for you!
So you refused the “tight wrap?”
Didn’t you “yell” at me for disobeying post-surgical protocol? S
I love all the choruses…I was looking for a group of ancient Greeks doing your backup.
Okay, Julia, now aren’t you just a little bit sympathetic for Anne Hathways’ scene sprawled out with her leg all contorted? Just a wee bit?
Well, Marylin, no. She shoulda looked both ways! I was thinking more of a doo-wop chorus. Too bad I couldn’t figure out how to do audio!
Steph that’s because I am the queen of do as I say not as I do. I think 5 weeks is enough to get the bones started on their knitting process!
Yeah, thanks, Anny. A bit of a mixed bag today.
Oh Casey… my ankle is still so swollen but it’s not purple! Thanks! I admit, when I don’t have anyone in the car with me I am a little crazy behind the wheel. I’m very careful if a kid or a dog or even my hubby is with me.
I can breathe, Jaye. At last.
Oh it’s a great pedi, Amber - brown with gold crackle. I just love crackle! How was your pedi?
Pretty pedicure..Give it time..It shall be back to normal..
I will, Savannah! Thanks!
Dude! You had to walk 1/2 mile in a bad neighborhood back to your car….and could barely stay upright?
*counting to 20*
JULIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*counting to 20 again, so that would be 40 total*
Julia…..do NOT over-do it! Slow and easy, no 15 mile hikes. Promise!?!
Yes and yes. I only went two miles today, Penny - so effin’ slow I thought I might lose my mind!
You are too funny. Glad the blasted cast is off.
Yes, off! Yay!
Hurray! You may have to wear a wrap on your leg, but at least you don’t need a coat hanger to scratch!
Oh Marie - I so messed up yesterday. I walked two miles and then we went to dinner and did the river walk and I wore heels. We got home and my ankle was so swollen! I’m wearing the wrap today - it’s my security blanket!
Glad your cast is off. But shame on you for pushing your poor ankle so hard. I mean there’s therapy and then there’s sheer stupidity … er, I mean stubborness. Yes, the stubborness. {{hugs}}
Oh my, thanks for the laugh my sweet, BTW just how long are your pretty toes, can you hold things with them?
I take it the Pedicurist doesn’t read your blog then, but then if she does, she may find it educational
Now, only 8 wks to your hols, do not damage anything else we are waiting on our hugs….
Thank god she doesn’t read my blog, Tom. I love my toes! She’s a very good pedicurist. My toes are so long the cast guy couldn’t fit them into the cast.
I know, Nina, I’m an idiot.
Ha ha! Funny piece. Glad you got it off. I’ve never had one, but my kids have. No fun!
Hi Cindy. Found you in my spam bin. Here’s hoping you’re not spam and you never have a cast!