The word of the day is… ASS!

I was in a good mood and I did have the best of intentions. Where did I go wrong?

My husband was working from home and I had a few thing to do, things I could not put off. I needed to:

1. Return some items of clothing before it was too late to return them.

2. Pick up bird supplies and a large bag of dog food.

3. Get my husband waterproofing for his NuBuck suede hiking boots.

4. Buy another yellow jacket trap because despite the four traps we currently have hanging in our backyard, the yellow jackets are all over the grass like white on rice. I can’t set foot out the door during the daylight hours.

5. Grocery shopping.

I intended to work my way from South to North - since North is closest to home - so I headed downtown to return the clothing first.

I took a secondary street downtown so therefore I did not realize there was a fucking festival going on which closed the main street and cut the already limited parking spaces down by seven-eighths. So for the first time in all the years we’ve lived here I entered the dreaded parking garage. Obviously it was pretty crowded, which shocked me since every local avoids the parking garage and at the time I was still unaware of the fucking festival.

As I approached a corner, heading up the the second level, here comes an ASS in a big-ASS old-time Cadillac going the wrong way turning right into me as if I don’t exist. He’s about to sideswipe my car and like the honey badger, he don’t care. I honk my horn and he keeps coming so I stick my head out the window and yell - “Move your ASS over, you dumb ASS!” At which point he seems to realize he’s going the wrong way down a narrow one-way parking ramp and he stops, giving me time to maneuver around him. Meanwhile a shitload of cars are stacking up behind me.

I drive up the ramp to the second level and low and behold, there’s a big old dumb ASS in a big ASS extended cab pickup truck trying to BACK into a space designated COMPACT CAR ONLY. And a shitload of us are stuck waiting for twenty fucking minutes while he does his back and fill - back and fill - back and fill for twenty fucking minutes… Did I say twenty fucking minutes? And none of us can move because there’s no space to turn around and there’s now a two-block line of cars backed up waiting for this ASS to park his damn big ASS extended cab pickup into an itty bitty parking space.

Just then a person climbs into a car two spaces up from me. I let him back out, ignore him when he turns the wrong way because he has no other choice, and I grab the space. It’s not until I leave the stairwell and reach the town square I see there’s a festival going on. I am so steamed the kettle corn man could use me to pop all his damn kettle corn.

I enter the store, find customer service, wait in a long line, hoping by the time I finish returning three items the dumb ASS with the big ASS pickup truck will have finished his back and fill so I will be able to get the hell out of the parking garage. (The only thing I happen to notice as I walk through the store is a new brand of men’s briefs which makes a man’s stuff look bigger. Yes, I would notice this.)

Alas, I return to the parking garage and I find I am forced to back out and go the wrong way because the dumb ASS has stalled out his big ASS truck and he is blocking the entire ramp. However since the people in the cars waiting for a parking space are so desperate they make room for me to pass by.

I drive to the pet store, grab a cart and begin my shopping, despite my annoyance and upset over the fact that it is ADOPT A CHIHUAHUA DAY at the pet store. Yes it breaks my heart but no, I’m not a huge chihuahua fan. And they are everywhere and the store smells like dog poop. As I reach for a couple bags of bird food a sales person accosts me, saying: ”Our computers are down so I’ll have to follow you around and write down the SKEWs and prices and number of items you put in your cart on this tiny piece of paper which you will then take up to the register.”

Me - “Why don’t I come back later?”

Her - “Our computers may be down for days.”

ASS. This is so ASS. Instead of a quick run through the pet store I have to wait in a long line at the register for all sorts of price checks and SKEWs and the store doesn’t have the one important item I came to purchase… a Birdie Buddy. My birds need a new Birdie Buddy. The sales clerk tells me the other pet store in town might have one and since I’m headed in that direction I decide to swing by, but first I must stop at the sporting goods store for waterproof spray. Which the store DOES NOT HAVE. They have cleaner, shoe polish, waterproof spray for clothing, BUT NO WATERPROOF SPRAY FOR BOOTS. Are you fucking kidding me??? ASS! Pure ASS!

I backtrack to get out of this congested parking lot and head to the worst, the very worst parking lot in town… It is the stuff of nightmares - the Whole Foods Parking Lot - also known as Dante’s Inferno, which is also the parking lot for the hardware store (yellow jacket trap) and the other pet store (Birdie Buddy). Oh sweet Jesus and all the saints preserve me.

1. I walk to the pet store from my parking spot in Kishnev. Because you see I’ve had to park way over there in another country, Russia. Kishnev.

Oh. God. No. It’s ADOPT A CHIHUAHUA DAY HERE TOO. Everything in the store has been moved. I wander around, picking my way through chihuahua poop, searching for the bird section. At last I accidentally encounter a saleswoman coming from the backroom where all the sales clerks are hiding and I ask where they’ve put the bird section. She tells me they’ve eliminated the bird section. ASS. Pure unadulterated ASS.

2. I leave the store and walk to the other end of the parking lot because no way am I going to move my car from Kishnev. I will never get another parking space, ever. I enter the hardware store. I do manage to find a single can of NuBuck waterproof boot spray at the far end of the very last aisle. Thank you, Lord! However, the store, the ONLY store in town that sells yellow jacket traps is sold out. Fuck no. Sold out of yellow jacket traps. This is so ASS.

Oh… I am so close to losing it.

At last I escape the depths of hell Hieronymus Bosch-esque parking lot. I decide I cannot stand to drive the extra distance to the regular grocery store. Instead I hit the expensive grocery store because it’s on my way home. All I want is a roast chicken and some chips. The chips… no problem. The chicken? I lift the bag - by the handle - from the hot table and the bottom rips, dumping a sizzling roast chicken and hot grease all over my feet. I’m wearing flip flops.

You do not want to hear the words that come out of my mouth.

Yes, this day was ASS. Pure unadulterated ASS.

I am now drinking Scotch straight out of the bottle.

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