All Wrong for Me. Super long post. (sorry)

As you can see, I’ve been watching movies! Last night, hubby and I watched a movie I’ve been looking forward to for months, The Kids Are All Right.

Why have I been looking forward to the movie? Several reasons, first and foremost, I adore Julianne Moore and Anette Benning. Great actresses, both of them. Major girl-crush. Second, the promos have looked intriguing, heartwarming and yes, funny. The movie, directed by indie film maker, Lisa Cholodenko, is billed as a comedy.

The bare bones of The Kids Are all Right…Nic and Jules are the matriarchs of an atypical family, not that any family is exactly typical, but Nic and Jules are a married lesbian couple. Each has born a child using the donated sperm of the same man (Mark Ruffalo, who my husband insists upon calling Mark Buffalo).

Warning: MUCHO SPOILERS AHEAD. STOP RIGHT HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE.

You know that saying, too many cooks spoil the broth? Well I felt like I was watching theme stew. Themes were dropped right and left, like a hodgepodge of mismatched seasonings dumped into a stew. The movie/stew became muddy, and the end result was a very off taste which really bothered me because the potential existed for a fantastic story/exceptionally rich meal.

Plot: A middle-aged lesbian couple struggles with a mid-life crisis in their own relationship while attempting to deal with teenage angst. Into that crisis, as a part of that teen angst, is thrust the sperm donor, a man Nic calls an interloper and views as a threat to the harmony of her inharmonious family.

Coulda/woulda/shoulda. This coulda been a contender! Oh yeah, it was, but I don’t know why.

The movie opens with the family at dinner. I grasped the family dynamics in a heartbeat. And here is where theme dumping began…

Nic - a physician, is distant, impatient, a control freak, critical of those around her, especially her partner, Jules. Nic is a nag, a borderline alcoholic and IMO, she comes very close to being emotionally abusive of her more passive partner.

Jules is, well, she’s inept. While she is a loving person and tries to soften Nic’s harsh criticism of the kids, she’s pretty much depicted as a loser - at least it seemed to me she believes her partner, Nic, views her as a loser. And so she acts the part. She cringes, she whispers, she hunches her body over, reminding me of a whipped dog. She does her best to please everyone and in doing so, pleases no one, especially herself.

While both these women are moms to the eighteen year old girl and the fifteen year old boy, it’s apparent from the get-go that there is favoritism going on. While Jules seems to love both children, you know that Nic sees her biological daughter, the bright high-achieving, straight A student, as the good one, while she views Jules’ more laid-back, nonchalant jock biological son as the not-so-good one. You know it, I mean you just know it. It’s as plain as the nose on your face.

More theme dumping…

The eighteen year old daughter is physically, socially and sexually immature. She has a boyfriend, yet she’s never kissed him, or any boy. Her insecurity is not only obvious in her body language, it’s obvious in her speech and in the curtain of long hair that constantly hides her face.

The fifteen year old boy is hanging out with a bad kid, yet neither mom seems to know how to handle it or even manages to make much of an attempt to intervene. It’s obvious the young man feels out of control and confused and when he asks his eighteen year old sister to find their sperm donor because he wants to meet the man (if he’s not a total loser), I was cheering for him. It seemed like a reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. The kid doesn’t confide in either of his moms, the house is filled with tension so thick you can cut it with a knife, and he’s flat out curious.

The theme dumping continues…

Enter the sperm donor, Mark Ruffalo, aka Paul. He’s cool - which is a word used way too often in this movie. He’s a kickback, scruffy-sexy, somewhat serially monogamous, successful restaurant owner. When the two teens contact him out of the blue, he’s open to meeting them.

Paul becomes involved in the lives of all of the above. After spending some significant time with her biological father, the daughter - Joni - actually smiles. Her face lights up and she seems happy and engaged for the first time in the movie. After spending time with his biological father, the son - Laser - dumps the bad seed he’s running with and straightens himself out. It’s not as if Paul is making an effort to intervene, it just happens. You know how when you were a teenager the last person you wanted to confide in or talk to was your mom or your dad? You needed that other - a grandparent, a cousin, an aunt or uncle or friend you could relate to, someone you felt would not judge you. That’s the role Paul assumes. He doesn’t set about to interfere, he’s just…there. No pressure. No criticism. He’s fun. The kids can relax around him and sort things out for themselves - use him as a mirror for reflection.

The big problem? Jules feels the same way. Paul doesn’t judge her, he likes her. She can relax around him. In fact, she relaxes so much she jumps his bones, repeatedly and vigorously. So much so that Paul finds himself falling in love with her and with the family she represents, and he imagines making a future with her.

So much angst…so many problems - and none of them are addressed by the director, or they are addressed in the sense that they aren’t addressed. Twenty-four hours later, that fact is still driving me fucking nuts!

For instance, why does Jules, who professes to be a lesbian with a capital ‘L’, act as if all she needs is a big cock to make things right? I can understand a one-time encounter with Paul because she’s so needy, he’s so kind, and she’s desperate for affection. When we are desperate, we tend to behave out of character. But in the graphic sex scenes I watched, it seemed like she couldn’t get enough of the guy. Huh? Is she bisexual? I can only compare this to the viscerally uncomfortable, yet stunning and evocative sexual encounter between Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomkvist in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Now that encounter, while not explained in words, spoke deeply about Lisbeth’s fears and insecurities, her horrible past, and showed us the depth of trust she had in Mikael. It was a powerful scene. It made sense, despite Lisbeth’s sexual preference for women. Jules and Paul in bed repeatedly did not make any sense to me whatsoever.

When Nic learns the truth about the affair and asks Jules, “So are you straight now?” Jules says no. Nic doesn’t ask her if she’s bisexual, she asks her if she’s straight. Bisexuality is never addressed, nor is there ever any discussion of the issues in their relationship aside from one very brief and sort of dippy speech Jules makes about love - in front of Nic and the kids. It’s kind of along the lines of ‘love is hard’. K…..

Themes left hanging…all of them.

1. The problems in the marriage are never addressed. They are swept under the rug for a de rigour, and very unsatisfying semi-HEA. I actually would have preferred to see the couple deal with their issues, even separate - do the work necessary to become a loving couple or at least, loving co-parents. Or end up hating each other! There was no work done. So in other words - the movie did not deliver on its promise. The director sets up a marriage on the brink, yet she never has her characters deal with the issues she puts before her audience.

2. Paul, who didn’t ask for any of this, did not seek out these children, who was invited into their lives, who did not deliberately set about to seduce Jules and was a good influence on the two teens, is left standing on the doorstep at the end of the movie, reviled by one and all, forced to peek through the window, desperate to share the warmth of their fire and a crust of bread, like The Little Match Girl. WTF? Paul becomes the designated villain of the piece for no good reason.

I wish I could say Paul played the role of catalyst, the one who forced Nic and Jules to take a good hard look at themselves and their relationship, but he didn’t. Their relationship didn’t change. In the end, it returned to what it was in the beginning. Jules was still a doormat and Nic was still a nag. So what was Paul? A big cock thrown in for the sake of the viewers? GMAFB.

3. Are the kids all right? I have no answer for that. I can only make the following statements: (This is what I took away?)

Jules should have apologized to the Mexican gardener she fired, and she should re-hire him ASAP. (unpleasant thread left hanging)

This movie is not a comedy. Neither hubby nor I cracked a single smile.

In my version of the movie, I would lose Joni’s obnoxious and unnecessary girlfriend - someone a girl like Joni would never be friends with, and likewise Laser’s boyfriend who was nothing more than an extremely unpleasant plot device. Teens have angst for so many reasons, this kid wasn’t necessary, and just like Jules’ affair with Paul, Laser’s friendship with this kid seemed out of character and gratuitous.

Oh oh oh! The biggest question of all…why does neither mom ever ask this - Why now? Why does Laser suddenly want to meet his sperm donor? That’s the first question I would ask. What is going on with my son? That question remains unasked and unanswered. And thus the movie missed the entire point of the movie.

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