Writerly advice. It wears on me.

Authors, usually successful authors, marketing their road to success to other authors- It has grown tiresome- J.W. Manus excepted.

So here’s what I read all the damn time:

If you do this, you’ll succeed.

If you do that, you’ll succeed.

If you do this, you’ll fail.

If you do that, you’ll fail.

If you do what I do, you’ll succeed.

If you assume you know what’s best, (the unsaid being if you don’t listen to me), you’ll fail.

Success requires that you buy my book about how to achieve success.

Success is achieved through hard work and total commitment.

Success requires luck.

Success requires a top-notch agent.

Success requires money.

Success requires expensive editors.

Success requires $5000 covers.

Success requires $250 covers.

Success requires paid reviews.

Success requires solicitation of reviews, paid or otherwise.

Book reviews sell books.

Book reviews don’t sell books.

Success requires a total commitment to your blog.

Success requires a constant internet, i.e. social media, presence.

Work on the next book.

Don’t work on the next book until you’ve sold the hell out of the first book.

Promote. Promote. Promote. (Until every person on twitter and Facebook and Amazon and Goodreads and Linkedin and Pinterest and Tumblir and Google+ blocks you and never ever wants to hear your name again let alone read one of your books.)

If you like my blog, send me money.

If you don’t like my blog, send me money.

Free promotions result in increase sales.

Free promotions don’t result in increased sales.

You’ll reach more readers if you price your book at $.99.

Readers will assume your book sucks if you price it at $.99.

Utilize KDP Select.

Don’t limit yourself to KDP Select.

Jesus… It’s enough to drive a poor starving artist insane.

Call me contrary- which I totally am, by the way- but I don’t like being told what to do or what to think. If someone says, “The sky is blue,” chances are I’ll study said blue sky and reply, “Hmmm… It’s more of a sapphire blue or a midnight blue or maybe a Maxfield Parrish blue or even an Easter egg blue.”

Which of course drives my husband insane. But I don’t care. I was raised to question. And so I do.

Here’s what I know. And it ain’t much. There is no secret.

There is only fate.

Let’s consider the Twilight trilogy, its fanfic spin-off Fifty Shades, and, in turn, its spin-off Crossfire.

None of the above is a shining example of engaging prose. None of the above is an example of full complex ripe red round three-dimensional characters. (I’d describe Edward as nothing more than a sheet of blank wallpaper and Bella as the dysfunctional paste that sticks to him.) In none of the above is the author consistent in the quality of her storytelling. And yet fans can’t get enough of all three and the authors are making millions and millions of dollars.

Despite a stunning lack of literary substance, these authors have achieved great financial success.

Therefore I say it’s fate.

Actually, The Seer in Vikings, Season Two, says it best. In Episode Four, Answers in Blood, when Ragnar comes to him for advice because he loves two women and cannot choose between them, The Seer answers him thus (and I’m quoting from Hot Diggity Daffodil because I don’t feel like re-watching the episode just now):

Ragnar tells the Seer that it would be most awesome if he could have both of the women in his life simultaneously. The Seer grunt-laughs at it. He brings up the tale of Skaði and Njörðr, she was a giantess entitled to a husband on the catch that she chose him by his feet alone – she chose the shapeliest feet thinking they’d belong to the hunky Baldr, but they instead belonged to Njörðr. The Seer tries to continue the story but is interrupted by Ragnar – no, he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t want to choose between them…but, if he were to choose one, the Seer wants him to choose her based on her feet? He seems completely baffled by the apparent symbolism.

I’m sure the Seer rolled his eyes as he told Ragnar to choose based on what was inside of them, inside of their hearts and livers and other organs. The Seer reminds him harshly, however, that the choice is not his to make and he’s completely fooling himself if he thinks that he really has a choice in the matter.

Fate is the answer. It’s fate and if there is any other secret to success you will will have to ferret it out for yourself. So says Curly in City Slickers-