When my kids were little, if they fell I let them pick themselves up. I helped if they required help. But I let them work things out for themselves as much as possible.
I believe this - it is my job as a parent to raise thoughtful independent adults. I want their love, their respect, but ultimately I judge my work by my results- Are these three amazing children prepared to live in this world without me? Yes. My children will be fine without me.
I remember when I first heard the term helicopter parent. My youngest daughter was maybe five or six years old. Helicopter parents are parents who hover, who try to smooth the way so that their children never have to experience any discomfort in thought, word, or deed, or from an external source.
These are parents who attempt to control every variable, from food to drink to friends to activities to sports to toys and games to books to teachers and schools.
How exhausting! What a Herculean task! Or maybe more of a Sisyphusian task. You know, pushing a boulder up that there mountain for all eternity?
Which brings me to my real topic - Discomfort. Literature, great literature, is intended to make us greatly uncomfortable. Discomfort = Emotional growth = Growth as a human being = Becoming human.
Art is expansive. At its core is the intent to make us question ourselves and wonder about our world, to explore our feelings and emotions. To, as they say, expand our horizons.
Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Uncomfortable.
Norse mythology. Uncomfortable.
East of Eden. Uncomfortable.
The Red Pony. Uncomfortable.
Sounder. Uncomfortable.
The Color Purple. Uncomfortable.
To Kill A Mockingbird. Uncomfortable.
Stranger In A Strange Land. Uncomfortable.
You Can’t Go Home Again. Uncomfortable.
Sons and Lovers. Uncomfortable.
The Taming of the Shrew. Uncomfortable.
A Doll’s House. Uncomfortable.
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Uncomfortable.
Beowulf. Uncomfortable.
Mozart Requiem. Uncomfortable.
They Shoot Dead Horses, Don’t They? Uncomfortable.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Uncomfortable.
The Caine Mutiny. Uncomfortable.
Cloudsplitter. Uncomfortable.
Moby Dick. Uncomfortable.
Got it? Good.
I have never been a parent. I have never had children.
I did teach school for several tears. And I taught five, six, and seven year olds.
So I am sure there will be those who say I do not know what I am talking about.
However, I agree with you one-hundred percent. Parents, teachers, and other adults should not do too much for their children. My father parented as you suggest. My mother (and my dad too) was an alcoholic and today I think my mother would be labelled bi-polar.
Life was not always easy. My childhood was mostly chaos. But I learned how to take care of myself which allowed me to survive the difficulties of navigating a dysfunctional childhood.
But mostly it taught me how to survive and thrive in the real world. For that I am grateful!
I salute you for being a good parent!
It is hard to see a child struggle, especially when you could step in and make the problem go away - but only if you wish to be the child’s servant for the rest of your life (not fun); or rather, for the rest of THEIR life - which no one can guarantee.
The sooner you drown-proof a child, the sooner you stop worrying so much (you never actually stop worrying). Two of my kids have reached the magical age of 25 - I told them that after that there wouldn’t even be any ‘reminding’ from me about things like renewing their drivers’ licenses or paying their taxes. The third is still in college - I look forward to her being entirely on her own: she’s getting there quite nicely.
As you know, I strive for maximum reader torture within the story - we’ll see what the final verdict is. Put people out of their comfort zone, and keep pushing them away when they want to get back in - good formula for writing.
Most of life’s truths are uncomfortable. I tried to prepare my kids for adulthood. You can’t do that by protecting them from life’s realities. We talked about almost everything because if you don’t address the uncomfortable-the right or wrong-your children won’t have a standard to measure their actions against.
We talked about everything too, Anny. In some ways I know too much about their lives! They tell me almost everything! But then they know I won’t judge or give unsolicited advice. And I am always here if they need me, like I know you are for your kids. But I want them to be self-sufficient. No matter how much I miss my babies I want them to be self-sufficient, confident adults.
It’s so hard, Alicia. As parents we do what we can, but we can’t fix everything. I love your reader torture! Don’t you dare stop!
Thanks, Roberta. And I do believe you know what you’re talking about. I had a rotten childhood. Just plain rotten. And at the age of eight I vowed my children would not have to experience such a rotten childhood. However, I do believe in letting them fail if and when they fail. There are worse things than failure.
And you can learn a lot from failure. And often failure leads to better things. My biggest failure led to my biggest success.
Interesting, Roberta. I learned the most from my biggest mistake. Now I’m wondering what your biggest failure was!
When I let my children fail-and learn from their failures-they grew. Good post.
Thanks, Anny. We’re not perfect, but we do our best.
If we were to ever meet in person I would share. Not on public space. Hope you under stand.
I understand, Roberta! Mine is a private mess!
I’m with you about “ucomfortable” books, Julia. Soft and comforting reads bore me. I consider a book a success if it leaves me pondering questions and life’s mysteries, none of which is comfortable.
As for kids and helicopter parents. I suspect this subject might have come up because of efforts by a group to post “trigger warnings” on books for college students. My first thought on that was, “Why is no one ever embarrassed to admit what sissies they are raising?”
Yes, exactly Jaye. That’s my point. The world is not nicey nice nice. Children need to learn how to live in it, as opposed to wanting the way smoothed for them. And yet college students have no issue with mysogynistic rap lyrics, sexualized music and videos, violent movies and television shows, graphic sexuality everywhere… There you go. It’s so narcissistic.