To Virgin or not to Virgin, that is the question…
I want to know. I’m wondering about virginity in contemporary romance. There are reasons, yes, of course…the primary reason being a woman’s desire to remain a virgin until marriage or a commitment to one partner. I suppose a secondary and somewhat suspect reason is simply lack of opportunity or time - ala Karen Marie Moning’s Highlander romances. Her heroines want to have sex, are indeed, very interested in having sex, but their priorities lie elsewhere - their career, their education, their ability to see gorgeous fae males…
I haven’t written a contemporary with a virgin heroine. To be honest, the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. Well, it’s crossed my mind but not in a serious way.
In Daughters of Persephone, my heroines are virgins. Sex involves a sharing of the blood and once the women share their royal blood, they are bonded to a man for life, so sex means a life-long commitment. It’s as good a reason as any to remain a virgin.
I’m never surprised to find virgin heroines in historical romances - while I don’t believe that all women who entered into a committed relationship were virgins, I do believe virginity was sort of expected and valued, in particular among the upper class. I associate virginity with the Bible, Vestal Virgins, the Victorian Era, and the 1950s, but not with the Roaring Twenties, the ’60s, or the medieval world. Even handfasting, common in Scottish romances, was considered a trial marriage and either party could walk away if things didn’t work out.
I recently read two articles about virgins in romances - one claimed that one single word included in a title will sell a book - the word virgin. The other article was by a reader who said nothing bothers her more than a virgin heroine who gives up her virginity to someone other than her ultimate love interest, i.e, the ultimate protagonist. I think that’s what got me asking myself the question - how much value do I put on virginity when I read romance? I guess for me the answer is little to none, unless the situation realistically requires virginity. I find the dichotomy interesting. We live in a society that uses sex to sell just about everything, but the word ‘virgin’ will sell a book.
I’m adding a link to Danielle’s blog post: http://www.daniellemonsch.com/dani/blog/
She made the comment that really got me thinking about the subject of virginity in romance.
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October 6th, 2010 at 2:37 am
And I believe virgins are few and far between when they reach the age we write about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some. Personally, I don’t find it realistic in a contemporary setting. I believe for historical or sci-fi it works. Just my .02
October 6th, 2010 at 4:19 am
I don’t know that fear of lifetime bonding would stop most teens from having sex.
October 6th, 2010 at 7:40 am
Amber, looking at contemporary society through my eyes, I see things the same way you do. Heck, looking at society when I was in high school I didn’t know many girls who decided to hold onto their virginity. Takes a serious commitment!
Steph - how right you are!
October 6th, 2010 at 8:57 am
I’m going to take another tack and say “virginity” is a state of mind. I was in no way a virgin when I meet my husband but the feelings I had for him and the nature of our relationship was so intense the first weeks we did treat each other as virgins. I knew he was the one, he knew I was the one, we were very careful to go slow and not to blow it… It was real and it was worth letting the tension build. The courtship was also a trust builder. Can I call this “Emotional Virginity”?
I wonder if this is the feeling “virgin” fans are craving?
XXOO Kat
October 6th, 2010 at 9:24 am
You know Kat, I think that’s it - a feeling that when you find the right man, it’s as if you’re making love for the very first time. Maybe it is emotional virginity that resonates with readers!
October 6th, 2010 at 10:29 am
I think the reason virginity sells in historicals is because the proper motivation was there because it was a standard for the time period. These days if you use virginity as a character trait, I’ll buy it as long as there is a strong motivation for using it. Otherwise, the book is usually targeting a market that doesn’t interest me.
October 6th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I love the idea of emotional viriginity - that works for me. And I think that can be a virigin rebirth, too - in other words a couple can discover something with each other they haven’t had before. A wonderful woman I know of 90 was married 3 and widowed 3 times. Each of her marriages were special and ‘new’ in some way to her.
I dislike the virign heroine and man slut. I don’t like the double standard.
October 6th, 2010 at 10:40 am
I used to love writing virgins, but in this day and age, it doesn’t seem realistic. Only one of my books (Fearless Love) stars a virgin…and may be my last. I think it’s easier to relate to a non-virgin that’s been through some crap in their lives.
October 6th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Paris - I agree - I, the reader, must be strongly motivated to believe in the heroine’s virginity.
Lindsay - I too, dislike the double standard - the virgin and the man-slut is a great way to put it! I do find that annoying. You’re story about the 90 year old woman is precious!
Stacey - yes, I related to women who have been through a lot of crap and come out stronger on the other side.
October 6th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Julia
A good question, and as you said just mentioning the word ‘virgin’ peaks an interest straight away.
In all my books, none of the characters are virgins, but all mine are contemporary romances. In historical romances there is an expectation that the heroine will be a virgin because of the social constraints of the time.
October 6th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Please correct me if this is an erroneous assumption, but based on the timing of this blog in relation to my blog, I am assuming I am the author of the second article you reference.
If I indeed am who you are referencing, I feel the need to make a small correction in the way my blog post is characterized here.
My problem did not lie with the fact that a virgin girl dared have sex. My problem was that in a ROMANCE novel, the heroine had sex with someone other than the hero ALL THE WHILE she supposedly was very much in love with the hero.
The fact that she was a virgin, to me, underscored how cheapened the sex act had become. I don’t want cheap sex in romance novels. I see enough of that in real life.
To me, Romance Novels (meaning genre romance) are to some extent a fantasy. Love and sex are meant to be entwined, are meant to be meaningful. That is part of the charm of the genre. No, it’s not real life. If I wanted situations that conformed more closely to real life, I’d read more in other genres or to the general fiction section.
To me, this is analogous to the cheating hero/heroine. Some people don’t mind that in a romance, but I know many people won’t touch a romance book where that is the case. Why? Because it breaks the fantasy. Once you know who the hero and heroine are, that’s it. There is not supposed to be anyone else for them after that.
I tried to keep my blog very narrow upon that point - that is, Virginity and Sex as it relates to the Romance Novel and the Fairy Tale ideal that romance novels represent. I never meant to make any blanket statement on virginity in other types of genre or literary books or the culture in general.
October 6th, 2010 at 11:52 am
Danielle - I loved reading your post and I’m so glad you stopped by because I could not for the life of me remember who wrote it and how I got there the first time, and I did want to point people in the direction of the post - I did not read the book you discussed, but I thought your point was fascinating - what do we expect from our heroines and from the authors we read?
In the case of the story you discussed, I totally got it - the author broke the fantasy and I couldn’t really understand why she would do that. It’s like watching a wonderful movie and all of a sudden the film tears.
I apologize for using your statement out of context, and I definitely did not capture your meaning, but your post really struck me as something unique. Virginity in romance fascinates me. Your response to that one choice by the author and therefore the character, was really interesting. I did already know that about cheating heroes and heroines - they are not popular among romance readers, but your response to the story you read was really and truly noteworthy. And it left me wondering why the author did it. Why break the mood and make a move that seems so out of character for the heroine you describe?
Again, thank you for commenting and I apologize for taking your statement out of context.
October 6th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
If you write paranormal or shapeshifter, as I do, it’s still possible to do the 20-year-old virgin and make it plausible. In a wolf pack, only the alpha pair breeds. The lower ranks are forbidden to reproduce. I suppose they could still have sex, but it would be frowned upon. No man sluts in a werewolf pack! The omegas would be rejected as partners out of hand because of their low rank. I did one story (Best of Breed, Bookstrand) where this was the case. The heroine had never had carnal relations because no one mates with the omega. This would hold true for males as well as females. Imagine a story where the big tough male wolf is as chaste as a maiden. Anybody written that yet?
October 6th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Jan - I too find it interesting that the word ‘virgin’ sells books. I like Kat’s point - the relationship between the hero and the heroine, regardless of previous sexual experience, should be the one - like the very first time emotionally.
Yes, Pat. In sci fi and paranormal I believe there are valid reasons for a woman retaining her virginity. It’s a much harder thing to write in contemporary.
October 6th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
So I guess we’ll be seeing “Her Virgin Billionaire” from Harlequin soon?
October 6th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Pat, I would love to see that title! It would make my day!
October 6th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Thanks for the link Julia, I appreciate the plug. Also, I’m glad that my blog was thought provoking for you.
I am yet unpublished, but I write both erotica and ‘steamy’ mainstream romance, so I am not a prude when it comes to sex, and I think sex is a great thing. Writing the post you reference was a tough decision for me, because as soon as you start talking about virginity, the fear is you may be characterized as ‘the crazy lady who thinks if you weren’t a virgin when you got married, you’re a slut’. That was in no way the point of my post, to condemn anyone for their personal sexual choices.
I hear what you are saying about the dichotomy in this culture as it regards virginity and sex, and my interest is in how that translates into romance novels.
I do not in any way pretend I speak for all women, but my experience is that it is a common desire for women that their first time be with their one and only love. As we know, that’s not always the way of real life, and that’s fine. I’m not commenting on that.
Where I go with that statement is that the Romance genre is a wish fulfillment genre. It’s what we wish happened, that we tame the bad boy, that our soul mate is also a sex god, that we ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Romances are fun to read, they are fun to write, they warm your chest and make you sigh… and they give you that break from life so that you don’t smack your hubby when you have to ask him for the fifth time to fix the running toilet
I find nothing wrong when a romance author introduces the virgin heroine. It’s as fine to explore that fantasy as it is any other. It’s called romantic fantasy for a reason.
Thanks for the opportunity to further explain where I’m coming from.
October 6th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Danielle - love it - so you don’t smack your hubby when you have to ask him for the fifth time to fix the running toilet - LOL!
Yes, I believe the genre is so popular, in all its many forms, because of the fantasy aspect. I’m always getting in trouble for leaving the condoms out of my novels - but because it’s a fantasy, in my fantasy, there are no STDs and even if there are, your true love doesn’t have one! Sometimes I stick the condoms in, but usually not…what can I say?
Our society is very weird - we sell cars, beer, sporting events, cheeseburgers, carrots (coming soon) - pretty much everything, with sexual imagery, but still there’s this little thing about virginity…for the woman.
I actually like virgin heroines as much as I like experienced heroines - as long as they all have that ‘moment’ of shock and awe, and an HEA with their true love. That’s why I remembered your post - just couldn’t find it again! So thanks for being so understanding.
Good luck with your work.
October 6th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
As a reader I don’t mind a virgin heroine but usually shy away from them in erotic romance. Some writers manage to make it believable, but I find it irritating when a woman goes from naive virgin to screaming lustily on her third orgasm all on on the one page. In reality, no matter how good her partner, if she hasn’t done a little self discovery on her own, the chance of a mind melting orgasm on the first rushed try seems pretty small. I realize we can bend the rules a little in romance-it’s the fiction that we want after all-but it’s been my personal dislike for many years.
Having said that, I did write a virgin into one of my books. Simply put, I created a character who had led a life on the run with no close friends or family. Giving her a history of sexual experience under the storyline just seemed wrong, so instead I made sure to note that she’d explored her sexuality by herself and knew what orgasm was all about. Hopefully, I managed to make it believable.
Anyway, I love that masturbation is no longer the taboo it once was. There will always be some who are uncomfortable with their own bodies but I love that romance writers are now able to include such choices for its heroes and heroines. And, of course, my romantic heart loves the idea of “experience” without the sleeping around.
October 6th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Rachel - I love your concept - on the run, with no close friends and family, is a good justification for virginification! I can’t wait to read the book! I also love that women can feel free to explore their own bodies - and we can discuss it in books - makes those orgasms on the first go-round much more realistic!
By the way, I like your site, and your covers, a lot!
October 6th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
A lot of virgin ground covered here… sorry, my thoughts are going in all different directions around this topic. There is the virgin fantasy as I think of it, that some readers really enjoy. Usually, I’m not one of them, unless it is a truly believable plot/circumstance, and the man isn’t a cad-type of hero, or a slut hero.
I certainly wouldn’t a purchase a book simply because it had ‘virgin’ in the title. I mean, I would likely run the opposite direction, unless I already had a concept of the story, and liked it. On the other hand, I would run just as fast from a ‘dirty girl’ story. Sorry, they’re just not my cup of reading tea. But, that’s why we have such a wonderful variety in romance, erotic romance and erotica.
I do have to agree, though, with the whole ‘breaking the fantasy’ thing. No, I don’t want the heroine or the hero having sex with anyone else once they’ve discovered each other. I am reading for the romantic fantasy, at that point.
Wonderful comments, everyone. And, I do, and have experienced being an emotional virgin. I’ve also used that with my heroines and heroes because it’s a reality to me.
October 6th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
This blog was so wonderful I absolutely loved going back and reading everyone’s comment’s 2X.
Pat you gave me an idea… lol
“Lonely billionaire Race Drakenson is too handsome, charming and well hung for his own damn good. His radiate Alpha male qualities actually cause woman to faint from pleasure or run away at his approach. He lives with a dark secret that daily shreds his soul , because of his sensory stunning external deliciousness and confidence crushing, gold-digger-magnetizing great gobs of cash-he lives in sensually deprived isolation as a virgin! (Da, da, da, da. Cue the dramatic music)
Heather Ashleyrose is a sweet unassuming girl who never gets the guy. She’s recovering from a badly broken heart. Her ex-husband abandoned her on their honeymoon after discovering her left foot was larger than her right.
Facing eviction from the refrigerator box she lives in she fearfully accepts a night job vacuuming the carpets on the mysterious Mister Drakenson’s fleet of private jets.
They accidently meet, heart’s beat but will she show him her feet?”
You must read “My Male Virgin Billionaire” Inevitably coming someday from Harlequin Romance.
XXOO Kat
October 6th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Savanna - I tend to run from real dirt also…like run screaming. Yeah, I think Kat’s emotional virgin is perfect!
Kat you have me ROTFLMAO! My Male Virgin Sheik Well-Hung Billionaire - can’t wait!
October 6th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
Wonderful post sweety. And I have to say I usually frown on the 20+ virgins in contemps or PNRs. Not because they are virgins but mostly because they mostly totally sexual adapt when the “action” starts. I wouldn’t mind so much if the rest would be more realistic. But to be honest I like the non virgins more- perhaps I just haven’t read one of the good ones yet.
I haven’t read many historicals so I can’t say much about those.
Really great post.
October 7th, 2010 at 12:52 am
Thanks, Susi - good point. I don’t think I’ve read too many of the good ones either! I read some historicals - can’t say that they are all that realistic either - a few are…I just can’t think of the titles.
October 7th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
First let me say I love this post and I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I haven’t written a virgin heroine yet but I have toyed with the idea.
I like Katalina’s statement of “Emotional virginity”. That’s a concept I appreciate. It’s hard for me to write a contemporary virgin who’s over a certain age because sex is such a prevelant part of modern society. But I think there are plenty of women who’ve had sex but have never experienced a deep emotional tie with their partners. So the concept of emotional virginity is definitely something I explore in my writing.
October 7th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
Welcome Sondrae - love your name! I too love Kat’s concept - it’s what we all want, that deep connection with one human being, and if we’re writing romance, we want it to happen for the hero and heroine regardless of physical virginity!
October 8th, 2010 at 2:24 am
“Emotional virginity” I love the concept.
How about “Never-had-an-orgasm-while-having-sex-with-a-man virginity”?
I’ve read many a book where her previous lover was a selfish, insecure, it’s-only-about-me lover who stole her self-confindence. My heart always melts when the new guy not only loves her with all his heart but teaches her the true meaning of attentive and caring and gives her mind blowing orgasms that are far better than her vibrator ever managed.
Thanks Julia. I’m so glad you like my website and covers. I always worry it’s too pink.
October 8th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Hi Julia
The only times I’ve encountered virgins were in either historical romances, Karen M’s books as you mentioned, and a handful of Harlequins. I don’t mind reading these type of stories-the storylines and the settings allow for the virgin theme. I don’t know if I’ll have a virgin heroine in my future stories because I write urban paranormal and contemporary erotic romance, and there are hardly any adult virgins around in the real world, lol. But I believe any talented writer could make this work even in a modern setting. I think it’s sexy.
Evie
October 8th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Evie, you’ve encountered them the same places I have. It’s tough to find a legit reason for a virgin in a contemporary, other than the woman is saving herself for her true mate. Sometimes KMM’s virgins don’t ring true. Gorgeous women who are just too into their career or post graduate education…sure. The one who I believed in was Gabrielle with Adam Black - human males just couldn’t compare to fae males.
October 8th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Yes, Rachel, ICAM!
October 8th, 2010 at 9:19 am
I think it works only in unusual circumstances, like if the heroine feared sex due to a previous relationship or incident that traumatized her. There’s also the angle that the heroine has lost her virginity a long time ago, but for A B C reason hasn’t had sex since. In which case she’s barely experienced and needs the right man to show her the ropes
.
Evie
October 8th, 2010 at 9:20 am
Evie - I’ve used that - yes, she lost her virginity a while ago and the experience was less that stellar - works well!
October 8th, 2010 at 10:46 am
There’s also the old amnesia trick. The body is experienced, but the mind doesn’t remember having sex. I’ve seen that one done. Or, if you’re writing SF or paranormal, you can have a spirit or alien that takes human form. Again, it’s mental and not necessarily physical, but it all adds up to virgin.