You know the story of Narcissus, right? In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a young hunter who was enamored of his own beauty. One day he came upon a still pool of clear water. Bending over to drink from the pool, he spied his reflection. He became so fixated on his beauty that he pined away, dying by the side of the pool. And thus the narcissus flower grew…
And therein lies the trouble with vanity - obsession with the superficial. I’m the first to admit I’m vain. Obviously not like Narcissus, although I fight an ongoing war with my butt, but that’s nothing new. My butt and I have learned to co-exist, each living on our own side of a demilitarized zone. Occasionally I sent a missile its way as a reminder that we’re still in a state of war, but of course it flops a mile or so after launch…
When I was a kid, I grew up with a cousin who was like my twin. We were born on the same day so we were raised together. She was known as the cute one. I was known as the smart one. Just once, I swear, I wanted to be the cute one. But I was tall, bony, awkward and I had these big teeth and wore glasses. Good god! I’m quite sure that on occasion she prayed someone would appreciate her for her brains. (Other than a zombie, I mean.)
Anyway, I am terribly vain in the sense that I don’t want to lose anything. I work with the dying - I’m a hospice nurse. Death doesn’t frighten me. On the other hand, debility terrifies me. Death- no problem. Growing old- big problem. I have too much to do, and like my father, I never want to slow down.
I also detest mirrors. Don’t look in them for two reasons. The first is that when I was a kid, one of my babysitters scared the bejeezus outta me with that old Bloody Mary Mirror Story. Still makes me shudder despite knowing the origin of the story. The second reason is that I suspect like most people, I see only flaws. Magnified flaws. I might become obsessed like Narcissus.
So here’s what happened last week in regards to vanity. The fault is mine. A friend who lives out of the country contacted me via email to tell me she’d be in town for two days. Of course she contacted me on the day she arrived and I did have a good excuse not to meet with her - already had plans. I could have met with her the second day, but I chose not to. Why? Oh, the shame of it… Vanity.
Anybody familiar with the character Marie from the television comedy, Everybody Loves Raymond? The character has a way of insulting you under the guise of a compliment. This is what my friend does to me. Every time we meet, my vanity, or what there is of it, gets tarnished.
She’ll say stuff like - “Oh, you must be focusing all your energy on your next book… I can tell by the bags under your eyes.”
Or she’ll look me over from head to toe and she’ll say, “Seems like you’ve missed a few work outs. Are you writing all the time?” Or… “You’d love my yoga instructor. She could really help you reshape that…” Or worse, she’ll compliment me - “You’ve lost so much weight since the last time I was here. Don’t you feel fabulous?” Which, of course, leaves me wondering - Geez, what was I, a pig the last time you were here? I’m wearing the same damn jeans.
I told my husband what I’d done, that I’d begged out of a date to meet for a green-algae smoothie - pardon me while I go puke at the very thought - and he said, “You should’ve gone. Why didn’t you go?”
I couldn’t do it. Every time she and I get together I come home hating myself. My fragile, albeit narcissistic ego hangs by a slender thread on a good day.
You might be wondering why I’m friends with her. Well, we met when our kids were juniors in high school. She’s unique, well-traveled, interesting, very much not your typical obsessive mom-type. Plus she’s kinda famous. We bonded over nacho-cheese sauce when we had to work the snack shack for the high school football game. When somebody rich and famous is willing to risk ruining designer clothes and shoes with nacho-cheese sauce, you cut her some slack. And she did manage to get the stuff all over her. Of course, she’d had no prior experience with nacho cheese sauce - a food-like substance which is ubiquitous in football snack shacks.
She’s not a bad person. It’s her business to be beautiful. And she thinks my overalls are quaint. So now I feel awful. I should have choked down that smoothie and swallowed the backhanded compliments. Smacking myself.
Beauty and the Feast… one more free day. Go for it!
LoL. I used to hate the mirrors too when I was younger. Always the geeky one. It’s only now that I’m older, I’ve come to accept and ‘grown into my looks.” And Julia, I know all about those type of friends. The only explanation I can think of, and it’s used often, but there’s so much truth in it- is that this person is not comfortable at all with who she is. I firmly believe there’s no way a person can love themself and try to cut others down, whether by outright nasty comments or backhanded ones. Your friend needs something to pick her up and make her feel better about herself. I don’t blame you for backing out of the meeting. I would have done the same.
By the way, I love the new look
Nah, sometimes you need a break from friends like that. I have one and now we only speak every few months. It’s all I can take. Don’t feel guily. You’re kind enough to still be her friend no matter how much she tries to cut you down. My guess is she’s jealous of your happy life.
I dated someone-briefly-who arrived at my house for our first date. I distinctly heard him drive up because all the driveways in my neighborhood were large, old cobblestones laid on sand. The sand had settled over the years, so any car approaching sounded like a bamboo wind chime rattling towards the house. But even though I clearly heard him drive up, he never appeared at the door. I finally looked out and he was flossing his teeth in the car mirror! I admit it, at first I thought, “Aw, he wants to make a good impression. He wants to be sure there’s nothing in his teeth.” Then he got out and Windexed all the windows on the car. Because the dirt from driving out to my home in the country was just not acceptable for a beautiful car like his. After the thorough Windexing, he stood enjoying his reflection, running his hands through his hair, etc. That relationship lasted for about three dates.
Oh, sweetie. You totally missed the mark with this one. You have no vanity. You have self-preservation. Spending time with someone who passively aggressively makes you feel horrible about yourself is detrimental to your health. You made a choice not to be with her. Good for you.
I have to tell you a funny story. I wanted to make a good impression on you when you visit next week, so I was going to attempt to spiff up my house. But then I decided, Julia won’t judge me. She’ll still like me even if my house is a big disaster. So, I gave up. Hee hee!
I do not like the mirror for the same two reasons. When I was just four, yes I still remember, the babysitter, my siblings, and neighbors did Bloody Mary and it terrified me. THEN, I saw Candyland. There is just something about mirrors.
Don’t feel bad Julia. Life is too short to spend it with someone who likes to knock you down -even if it is a friend. I hope you and Penny have a great time in Boston! I’ll be thinking about you guys.
Hang in there, sweetie. There are plenty of people around who don’t feel a need to zing your insecurities in order to keep anyone from noticing theirs.
If the vibe with your friend feels strange, be compassionate. If her job is be beautiful or perfect she’s trapped in hell!
I can imagine she would love to sample life with your talent and freedom.
XXOO Kat
Julia, I think you made the right choice. Of course, I’d be flattered too if someone famous wanted to spend time with me, but at what expense? Life is too short to surround ourselves with people who delight (?) in one-upping us. What is that? As for mirrors etc., I am now old. Yikes! While visiting my grandchildren recently, the10 yr. old, who can be brutally honest, stared at me for a bit and then said, “Do you like being old?” I said, sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. What’s the other choice? I love life, and am pretty comfortable in my own skin now. It’s taken a hell of a time. But as I plan to get more film and or tv jobs, I know all those wrinkles and jowls will be even more apparent on the screen for others to comment on, but that’s life. Someone has to play those roles, and hopefully, it will be me.
Diana - I want to be perpetually 19 years old, yet know what I know now. It’s a conundrum. However, my life is infinity times better now than it was when I was 19.
My biggest fear? She’ll drag me along on one of her visits to those spas that specialize in high colonics!
Oh Kat, I am compassionate. No buts. To be honest, I think what she’d like is my husband, or someone like him. She is as nice to me as she can be, given her limitations.
I know Jaye, I’m okay, but I have such issues! I guess being the smart one is all right. Seriously… it’s all right.
Thanks, Casey - we won’t see you at all? I thought maybe you’d get in!
Ewww, Ciara, mirrors! It’s not just Bloody Mary, there was this terrifying horror show a babysitter let me watch when I was about 8 years old - some woman trapped in a mirror. I still haven’t recovered!
What? Penny, you’re not going to spiff up the house? Oh, well, I guess I can’t say anything since my house I have muddy paw prints all over my floors!
Lorca, if I saw a guy checking out his reflection, he’d be one and done. You were remarkably patient!
I remember your talking about your friend, Amber. Yes, small doses.
Delilah - I think you are gorgeous! But I know what you mean - geeky girls rule the world! I do feel that I should be mature enough to handle her visits, but as time passes, it gets harder.
Oh, Julia, join the club. If you’ve ever read IS THERE LIFE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL? (not a great read, but some valid and embarrassing points) you know that as adults we still have those flash-back nemesis-type friends. I agree with your husband. Next time you should go. But have a double shot of vodka added to your green-algae smoothie. Just don’t comment on the painful things she does. She won’t recognize them but will make you feel awful for asking, and then you’ll have to add more shots of vodka, and that will pretty much kill the benefit of the algae.
Yes, Marilyn, I’ll pre-drink so I won’t have to post-drink! Good suggestion!
Don’t feel bad..sometimes you just don’t need people like that in your life..
Ah, the passive aggressive friend. Everyone needs one of those like we need another foot. Life’s too short to spend a minute with someone who tears you down, famous or not. And as far as wanting your husband, that would be the best reason enough for me to avoid her. Wait, send her to me. I need someone to take my aggression out on. ( dang, there’s a pesky dangling preposition)
I know, Savannah, but I get the feeling she needs me.
Stephanie - too funny! Yes, you’re right, you and Savannah, I know it. Those pesky dangling prepositions! Always get ya!
Hey Julia! I really don’t think that it was a bad thing to do… I mean who wants to be around someone who says things that make you insecure or feel bad about yourself? You know I have found that most of the time when people are trying to point out my flaws they are really insecure with themselves… Yes they may be beautiful like your friend but they see something in you that they don’t have which makes you amazing and that is your writing! I know we all feel down on ourselves when we look in the mirror, or at least I do lol. But, I think you are beautiful inside and out (That was cheesy lol) but it’s true! I really love reading your posts they are always so interesting! BTW I love your new blog design
It’s so awesome!
Hey, Kayla! Yes you are right. And to be so young and so right! Cool!
I second Penny, and haven’t read all the comments so maybe others as well. My first impression was that this is not vanity but self-preservation and self-defense. Vanity would be if you spent a day at the spa because you wanted her to see how good you look. This is not throwing yourself in front of that frenemy juggernaut (a freneminaught?). This woman must be unbelievably insecure and poking you helps her in some sick way. Honestly, she is like that girl in HS who pretended to be your friend so you would “help with” (do) her homework.
It’s better to be cute when you are older than use all that up in youth. Look at your life, married to a man who adores you and 3 grown kids who love you enough to visit you for your birthday. Be as proud and secure in that happy life as she is insecure in hers.
Repost my piece on Beauty and Pushing tomorrow on WINGED EFFIGY
Yeah, Steph, to some extent, it is self-defense! That’s for sure! Good way to look at it. And thanks in advance.